I’ve just discovered the earth shattering truth that whole milk is less fattening than the skimmed variety. Something to do with the way sugars are absorbed. All these years of deprivation for nothing. In light of this revelation I may even change my morning Americano for a Latte. This seismic change to my routine makes me question everything. After all, your choice of coffee speaks volumes about who you are.
What your coffee says about you.
You are deeply shallow. You probably also like to wear labels emblazoned across your chest. FCUK t-shirts and Burbury handbags. If you are travelling in Italy, never order a cappachino in the afternoon. This is exclusively a morning beverage, and drinking it at any other time would be considered both ignorant and tacky. According to research carried out by the Irish Coffee Council, you are a people pleaser. However, the upside is that shallowness is not necessarily a personality flaw. Being of a shallow disposition myself, I cannot cast aspersions on those of you who are like minded.
The manly kind of coffee. You like to hit your woman over the head with a club and drag her back to your den to make your espresso for you. If you are a straight woman ordering a tripple espresso, you may want question your sexuality.
The type favoured by tradesmen. A mug of Nescafe and an all-day breakfast roll is your only man.
Cup of coffee.
What’s that? The cup of coffee officially became extinct in 1974. A pensioner in a coffee shop could be forgiven for thinking that he’s been transported to a foreign land. The Eastern European barista (bless him) doesn’t understand what a cup of coffee is, he’s way too young to remember and anyway it’s not on the board. The pensioner thinks the Frappuchino and the Macchiato are something performed on Strictly Come Dancing.
The sole preserve of the yummy mummy. You like to get a skinny latte to go, sipping it in your Land Rover while waiting for the kids to come out of school.
You are the cautious, pragmatic type. A deep fear of foam moustaches prevents you from ordering what you really want, a Frappuccino.
Decaf lovers are subversives. They like nothing more than a good protest. Can been marching with placards saying ‘Down with that sort of thing’. Along with vegans and fruitarians, the decaf brigade should be rounded up and transported to Van Demons land for crimes against civilised society.
You place style above substance. The macchiato is enjoyed by hipsters and the terminally naff alike. You may actually prefer a nice cup of tea but that wouldn’t fit well with your image.