Mother’s Day, or Hallmark Day as I call it. A celebration for domestic Goddesses across the globe. Although I’ve always been a bit cynical about these special occasions, I wouldn’t let that get in the way of milking it for all its worth. If your loved ones ask what you want for Mother’s Day, smile sweetly and reply something along the lines of “Oh nothing, don’t go to any expense on my account, it’s the thought that counts”.
Obviously that’s not the case, but no woman of good standing should have to spell it out. Its unbecoming to appear greedy. But let’s be clear about this, Mother’s Day is a matter of the utmost gravity, bragging rights are at stake. You have to ensure that your friends children don’t outshine your own. A few subtle hints should do the trick if you have daughters. Remember daughters are the domestic Goddesses of the future and are quick to pick up on the merest glance in the direction of a florist or beauty salon and they know exactly what you want. Sons are a different matter, you need to lay it on thick and heavy.
While my little cherubs are practically perfect in every way(obviously they take after me) they do sometimes need a little nudge to ensure they honour this momentous occasion.
Follow my advice and I guarantee 100% satisfaction in the Mother’s Day stakes.
Ideally, you should begin your Mother’s day campaign a week before the day itself, for maximum benefit. It’s all very well getting a handmade card when the kids are little, but when they’re older and still living at home, it’s payback time.
Firstly, make sure they don’t forget. Surreptitiously put reminders in their phones to ensure they are reminded every day in the run up to the day itself.
Start off with a healthy dose of guilt. Cheerfully regale them with tales of nappy changing, sleepless nights and chauffeuring duties. It helps lay the groundwork for the onslaught to follow.
Reminisce about how devoted a daughter you were to your own mother on Mother’s day. How you brought her breakfast in bed, on a tray with the morning paper (ironed of course). Tell of the warm glow you were rewarded with from giving on Mother’s day.
Leave brochures lying about the house for local beauty salons. Pick one up, read out loud the list of treatments, then let it drop to the floor with a wistful sigh.
Talk about how wonderful the last hotel break you had was because you didn’t have to do any housework or cook. Sigh “ Imagine, a whole day of no cooking ”.
Say repeatedly while watching TV “TV is brutal these days, I wish I had a good book, that new Grisham novel or something”.
Say repeatedly while watching TV “Do you know what I’d fancy now, a huge Walnut Whip”. A box of Walnut Whips is actually my favourite Mother’s day present.
“If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?” — Milton Berle
“The quickest way for a mother to get her children’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.”
“Mothers are all slightly insane.” — J.D. Salinger
“Call your mother and say something nice! And remember that its your fault that she pees a little every time she sneezes. Love and sacrifice!”
“Don’t forget to pick up a bottle of wine for your Mom for Mother’s Day. After all, you’re one of the reasons she drinks.”
“My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.” — Tim Allen
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.” — Jack Nicholson
“Don’t forget Mother’s Day. Or as they call it in Beverly Hills, ‘Dad’s trophy wife day.’” — Jay Leno
“Dear Mother-in-Law: I don’t need you to teach me how to handle my children. I live with one of yours, and he needs a lot of improvement!”