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NiftyFiftyShades

~ Failed Domestic Goddess

NiftyFiftyShades

Category Archives: Beauty

The Six Stages of Spanx

04 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Etiquette, Fashion, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Shopping, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Fashion, funny, midlife, spanx, women

A friend of mine recently posed the question.  Should women of a certain age ditch the silky smalls  and embrace Spanx on a full time basis?

With a family wedding approaching I must use whatever means of deception available to me to ensure smooth lines.  While I’m a great proponent of the big Bridget Jones knickers (my secrets out) I find I’ve reached the stage where I need to progress to something stronger.  I intend taking myself into Brown Thomas’s to seek out some industrial strength elastic.

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For the uninitiated,  let me guide you through  The Six Stages of Spanx.

  1. image.jpegThe Decision:  Will I won’t I?  Weighing up the pros and cons. If you find that your cellulite is visible through thick skirts, or your posterior resembles a lumpy loot bag, well I guess the answer is yes. But then again, you are quite fond of breathing, and would like to continue to breath in the future. The thing is, although they look awful, the latest hi-tech engineered fabric prevents all lumps and bumps from showing through even the flimsiest of clothing. The resulting svelte outline a joy to behold. They make a Primark dress look like Dior (I may be exaggerating a little). Regardless of whether you are overweight or not, we can all benefit from a smooth sleek silhouette. Never mind what you look like underneath, never mind that you will sweat, blister, feel like a stuffed sausage and cease to breath. Pay no heed to the fact that your organs are being squashed or that your legs are numb. These crucial side effects will be duly ignored in the debate. Should you embrace your inner Bridget Jones? You will decide that the answer is YES. Don’t imagine you’d get a look in with the likes of Mark Darcy with an arse the size of small country.image
  2. Choosing:       Beware of some classic mistakes.       Never wear the long cycling short type under trousers. The legs roll up and look unsightly. Never try to overdo it. If you are size 14 don’t buy size 10 determined to squeeze into them. You might succeed in getting them on, but like a biological game of musical chairs, the unwanted wobbly bits have to go somewhere, usually up.       You could end up with an unsightly double chin, or an extra pair of boobs. Also bear in mind that they have to come off at some point. Remember what happened to the style icon herself, Bridget Jones. She wore a corset that rolled up at the both top and bottom, resulting in a perfect not so little roll around the middle.
  3. imageThe Religious Experience: Spanx are a gift from God. Once a devotee, you may never leave home without them again. Spanx worship is a common phenomena.
  4. The Secret: No bungee jumping, rock climbing, foxtrotting, breathing normally. No one must know you are wearing them.  Life must be put on hold to prevent a glimpse of your hidden elastic. No one must suspect your addiction to it.
  5. Admission:    Eventually the enormity of the secret will cause a meltdown and you will admit to wearing them. A friend will notice you are wearing a lot of tight fitting clothes of late and question where the tents have disappeared to. ‘OK..I’m wearing them’ you will snap.
  6. imageWeaning off Elastic: Wearing Spanx eventually leads to a lifelong addiction to elastic. The day may come when you decide to let it all hang out, and you won’t be prepared. An exit strategy should be considered.    I understand that there are programs where you can be weaned off elastic, but none with any great success that I’m aware of.

 

 

 

“However, chances of reaching crucial moment greatly increased by wearing these scary stomach-holding in pants, loved by grannies all over the world”  ..Helen Feilding.  Bridget Jones Diary

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Inner Poise

20 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Humour, Uncategorized

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Tags

Etiquette, funny, women

imageDo you feel angry more often than you should?

Do you sink into despair simply because it’s Monday, or let a bad hair day ruin your life?

What you need is inner poise.  Mere mortals may seek to attain this most elusive of traits, but to a true domestic Goddess its second nature.  Inner poise is about self respect, class, appreciation, etiquette.

 

 

Follow these simple guidelines to help you cope with the trials of everyday life. Watch how it brings joy and sunshine to everything you touch.

 

imageEnsure chocolate levels are kept up.  I recommend 500g of chocolate or two Walnut Whips daily.

 

 

 

 

imagePractice wearing a crown.  A tiara will do if you can’t get hold of the crown jewels.  I recommend you begin with walking around the house, carry out your normal housecraft wearing your crown before attempting to venture outdoors.  This will ensure excellent posture, a prerequisite to inner poise.

 

 

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Acquire a pet.  Preferably a poodle which adds a touch of style and glamour to your disposition.  It has the added benefit that you won’t have to shake hands with any local riff raff you may encounter while going about your business.  A snarling pooch will keep unwanted approaches at bay.

 

 

 

 

imageTake a yoga class. A guaranteed shortcut to inner poise, while meeting interesting people.

 

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Dress impeccably, remember less is more.

extreme-ironing

 

Embrace adventure.  Try extreme ironing if you haven’t already.  I’m not exactly sure why this helps to develope inner poise, but it works for me.

 

 

 

image.jpegNever utter the words ‘Um’ Yea’, ‘Hi’ or ‘Yo’.  Acquaint yourself with the terms ‘Hello’ and ‘Yes’.

Always insist that your date picks you up.  A gentleman will always open doors for a lady with inner poise.

bridgetjonesChannel your inner Bridget Jones.  Bridget’s unique brand of grace and poise is an inspiration to all.

imageReply promptly to dinner party invitations, RSVPs or declines. If you can’t attend have a good excuse to hand. I always say “I’m having my pearls restrung”, but “I’m having my toenails curled” or “I’d rather stick pins in my eyes” work equally well.

 

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Ditch the  wine in favour of pink champagne. Never ever drink beer, the drink favoured by the great unwashed, loved by tradesmen everywhere.  Champagne is the drink of smart sophisticates. You may find that the more of it you drink the more inner poise you feel.

 

 

 

Blindness by Blogging

02 Saturday Apr 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Personal stuff, Uncategorized

≈ 8 Comments

 

imageOptician:   That comes to  Eur 638.75

Me:             Are they 24 carat solid gold?

Optician :  No

Me:              Are the diamond encrusted?

Optician:   No.

Me:              Have they been hand crafted by nymphs.

Optician:    No.

Me:              Have they been lovingly buffed by French nuns.

Optician:    No

Me:              But they are nice and designery…

Optician:   Yes.

imageMmm!! Which to choose.  Blindness or spectacles

imageMy blog is almost three months old.  It began as a technical challenge, playing about with WordPress, trying different themes, mucking about with plugins, most enjoyable.  Now that I’ve acquainted myself with the wondrous mysteries of the Twitter machine I’m addicted.

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Only problem is, my eyes are sore.  The dreaded day has arrived, I must wear spectacles full time.   I’ve managed until now with glasses just for reading.  I’m perfectly happy to go about my business half blind rather than cave in and wear glasses full time .  It doesn’t bother me one iota if I can’t make out the number of an approaching bus.

Alas, things have taken a sinister turn… headaches, eye strain…this blogging business has left me with ‘tired eyes’ .   I must confess, I’m tempted to choose blindness and headaches over spectacles, vanity over common sense.

imageFocus on the positive..

Glasses suggest intelligence (not geekiness  or nerdiness, no… intelligence).

It’s another way to accessorise, and we all know accessories doth maketh the woman.  I’m thinking cute librarian look.

Will no longer squint to read.

May be mistaken for an Indie rock star  (well, it could happen).

imageGlasses add an aura of mystery, sophistication, serenity.. in manner of Grace Kelly.

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May prevent domestic accidents, like taking your dogs’ worming tablet instead of an indigestion tablet.

May prevent traffic accident ( I think being able to see is a requisite to driving).

Gorgeous George still gorgeous with glasses……

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I  will NOT  focus on the negatives…

Will lose them every 5 minutes, will spend 3 hours daily looking under cushions.

Will think I’ve lost them when still on my head.

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Will sit on them resulting in a tangled mess.

 

 

Will get fogged up every time I stand near the cooker (maybe that’s a plus – excuse to avoid cooker).

Will fall asleep with them on and wake up with indents in my forehead.

May be mistaken for Indie rock star.

imageWill need special goggles if I ever get a sudden urge to take up diving, skiing, bunji  jumping, female boxing,  surfing or even just frolicking in the sea.   However, the alternative view could be to my advantage – ‘sorry, can’t go frolicking in the sea today  –  havn’t got the right glasses’.

No longer blissfully unaware of huge pore situation and other facial imperfections.

 

 

Still not convinced.  Might need some other sort of glasses to help me decide…

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Nifty Pick Me Ups

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Etiquette, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

family, funny, midlife

imageEven a Domestic Goddesses can have an off day when her crown slips. Never fear, Nifty is here with her top 10 tips, a few pearls of wisdom to restore your good spirits.

A word of warning, you may need to switch off your brain before reading.

 

 

 

 

image1. Take up a new hobby.   Make diminutive rocking chairs from clothes pegs.  Keep making until you have a whole peggy forest of rocking chairs.  Be careful not to show your new hobby to family members as they may insist on you being institutionalised.

 

 

 

2. Buy a new cushion. The value and status a good cushion adds to your homestead cannot be overstated. If I am ever to divorce, the quantity of cushions in my abode may be the subject of proceedings. Himself threatens to leave if I bring another single cushion into the house.

imageI don’t understand this aversion. A good quality feather stuffed cushion will add warmth and style to your sofa and what else can bring a room together like a well placed cushion. What’s not to love?. If your loved one complains, threaten to replace him with a cushion if he’s not careful.

It’s a universal truth that cushions are a woman’s best friend, not diamonds.

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3. Tea in bed. The restorative benefits of a cup of tea in bed should not be underestimated. For a weekend treat I request Figment my butler bring  the morning edition, crisp, clean and freshly ironed.

 

image.jpeg4. challenge your verbal skills.  Imaging lines that Elizabeth Bennett would deliver to Mr. Darcy in your remake of Pride and Prejudice. “Mr. Darcy, I am undone….”.  Use words like ‘esteemed’,’tolerable’,’piano forte’ or ‘accomplished’.

 

image5. Buy some new accessories. Accessories doth make’th the woman. It’s so difficult to find a good craftsman to restring your pearls. Buy some fake ones which will do for everyday wear. Teamed with your Hermes scarf (a must for any woman of consequence) no one will know the difference.

 

 

 

6. Eat something yummy. If you don’t have quail eggs to hand, Walnut Whips never fail to offer 100% satisfaction.

 

imageBefore

7. Be Fabulous. Sometimes is easy to forget just how fabulous you are. Get grooming, primping, preening, crimping, polishing, de-fuzzing, tweezing, plucking or what ever it takes.  Arm yourself with the tools of the beauty trade and return yourself to a state of fabulousness.

imageAfter

 

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Try something new when it comes to nails.

 

image8. Write a blog. My favourite thing of all, researching (yeah right!!) content for my blog. Not only great fun, but an excuse for everything. You’re not having a lie in on a Sunday morning, you’re researching your blog. Your late for something, you can say you’re carrying out crucial research for your blog. There’s no slippers and newspaper at the ready when your loved one comes home, again, essential blog research the culprit.

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9. What list of pick-me-ups would be complete without a picture of Gorgeous George (an excuse to include a picture of him).

 

 

10. If all this fails there is always wine!

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Let’s Pretend it’s Summer

09 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, food, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Drink, funny, midlife, Summer, women

 

 

image.jpegLets Pretend it’s Summer

If raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens don’t do it for you, try one of my favourite things to put a spring in your step.

imagePretend it’s Summer. Living on an island where it rains for 365 days a year, any respite from the grey clouds, any glimpse of blue sky must be celebrated by stepping out and making the most of it. If by some freak of nature, we manage to get a couple of sunny days in the ‘Summer’ as a nation we join in the fun and frolics talking endlessly about picnics and sunburn. Sales of shorts and sun tops soar regardless of the fact that you will only get to wear them once.

 

imageEver the optimist, I recommend that you do a I do, join in the frenzy of buying barbeques, straw hats, beach umbrellas, factor 50 sun screen. If by the time you arrive home with your treasures the sun has disappeared (which is highly likely) you may have to play the lets pretend game. Follow these instructions and I guarantee satisfaction. You will be transported from your dull cloudy day to a tropical South Seas beach.

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Switch on the central heating and parade around the house in shorts and flip-flops as you would on a rare sweltering July day. The beauty of this is that you can try this any time of year. March is the perfect time as by now you’re sick to death of the endless days of deluge.

imageGet out your old Wham records and sing along to Club Tropicana.

Relax on your sun lounger(which you’ve brought indoors).

 

Browse holiday brochures while waiting on fake tan to dry

 

 

 

imageSip homemade lemonade, suck on a cool pop or better still, have Himself bring you a Pimms on Ice. I find the alcohol encourages enthusiastic participation in this little role play.

 

 

 

imageWhile lounging back, have Your loved one (dressed in a toga obviously) drop grapes into your mouth.

Complain about the stifling heat, as it wouldn’t be real if we didn’t complain about something.

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Get some sand from the beach and place it in a icing sugar shaker. When you are eating your sandwiches, shake a little sand over them for that authentic crunchy taste you only get on a beach picnic.

imageComplain about the sand in your sandwiches.

Burn a few coconut scented candles to add a tropical feel to your little beach hideaway.

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If by this time you haven’t embraced your inner beach Goddess, finish the bottle of Pimms, that should transport you to another dimension.

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Epic Fails- Part 5 The Shaggy Perm

24 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Hair, Humour, lifestyle, Personal stuff, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Beauty, funny, Hair, midlife, Personal, women

imageFleetwood Mac’s Rumours had been in the charts for over a year and every teenage girl wanted the look. Stevie Nicks was the coolest. She had the original grungy hippy vibe, in her floaty black garb and her shaggy perm, she was every teenage boys dream. Therefore every teenage girl wanted the shaggy perm. Including me.

Well, as a penniless teenager, how could I possibly afford the shaggy perm. My mother’s purse strings didn’t stretch to a hair cut never mind an eye watering 30 pounds for a perm in one of the salons on Grafton Street. There was of course an alternative, actually my only option. “Eileen’s Hair Creations”. Eileen was a local woman who passed herself off as a hairdresser, and operated out of a salon above the local butchers. I use the word ‘salon’ loosely, as it was a room with a sink, two chairs and a bench. As you rose the stairs to her door, the smell of the butchers gave way to the overpowering stench of Elnett hair spray. In a previous life Eileen worked in the fish factory gutting fish so it’s a mystery how she reinvented herself as a hairdresser. Although about twenty years out of date, Eileen wore her hair in a tall beehive. Allegedly, she was an expert at doing perms, very popular with her octogenarian customers who were offered free a blue rinse alongside the perm. Eileen had never seen the cover of Rumours and in her mind this Stevie Nicks person must have been a man.

 

 

imageNevertheless, I had to have a perm and the only way I was getting it was to succumb to Eileen’s perming skills. I suppose with hindsight the beehive should have been a giveaway, an inkling as to the standard of style Eileen aspired to.

 

I didn’t exactly look like Stevie Nicks when she was finished with me. I think the problem was that Eileen only had one roller size. The ‘little old lady perm’ size. I emerged with little tiny frizzy curls radiating from my head. I suppose it could have been worse, the free blue rinse wasn’t included.

 

 

imageI pulled my hood up, went home and hibernated for three months.

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imageThis isn’t me but bears an uncanny resemblance

 

My Epic Fails -Part 4 (hair ironing)

22 Monday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Hair, Humour, Uncategorized

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Tags

Beauty, funny, Hair, midlife, women

imageA young girl called Imogen posted a picture on Facebook last week, of her epic fake tan fail. The unfortunate girl used a paint roller to apply it with disastrous results. It’s debatable whether she deserves our pity as she was stupid enough to share this idiocy with 40,000 Facebook users. However she is young and it got me thinking about my own foolish efforts in the name of vanity. The path to perfection hasn’t always been easy. Domestic Godliness cannot be achieved without a few mishaps along the way.

My best friend for the past number of years has been my beloved GHD. In the pre-GHD days of yore, I was extremely vain about my hair. Being a natural frizz ball, I resorted to every trick in the book to banish the tangles. My older sisters would iron each other’s hair. This involved an ironing board imageupon which a section of hair would be combed, covering it with brown paper, ironing said hair and hey presto, beautiful sleek straight tresses, fabulous. All done surrepticiously, without my mother’s knowledge. If caught, no doubt she’d have murdered us.

imageWhen it came to my teenage years, my older siblings had moved on and the one sister left, would refuse to iron my hair unless a bribe was offered. Going out in a state of frizz wasn’t an option so I would plead, beg, loan her my newest jeans, offer to do her bidding, anything. The power went to her head and I came to realise this pleading situation couldn’t go on. In desperation one day after she turned a deaf ear to my pleas, I took matters in hand and decided I would iron my own hair. Kneeling down, combing the hair and with brown paper in place I ironed my hair. It worked, I was in heaven. No longer enslaved to the whimsical nature of my siblings moods, I became a dab hand with the brown paper and flaunted my dexterity with the iron.

imageI suppose it was inevitable that it would end in disaster…

One day the brown paper slipped. I smelled the singeing tresses before I realised that the paper was gone. I lifted the iron and looked in horror at the clump of hair stuck to it. I resembled something akin to a cartoon electrocuted cat…Inconsolable, bereft, I couldn’t even go crying to my mother for solace as I knew she would just say ‘I told you so’ .

I emerged the following day from the hairdressers sporting a new shorter layered cut. It wasn’t bad actually, and I was no longer the slave to the ironing board. Straight hair was going out anyway as the shaggy perm had arrived (don’t miss – coming soon, my epic fails part 5 – the perm)

So my fellow Goddess’s be grateful for small mercies, that we live in the GHD age.

 

 

Wanted: Skinny Mirror

11 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Hair, Humour, Midlife, Uncategorized, work

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Tags

Beauty, funny, midlife, women, work

I need a new mirror, one that lies.

imageGetting into the lift this morning, I looked particularly bedraggled as I viewed my reflection in the full length mirror facing me. This mirror is my nemesis. Enter this lift at your peril. No matter what efforts I make to look half decent, the mirror tells the same story.

Not just me, every woman in the office hates it. The lighting gives a strange liverish pallor to all and sundry. Too much reality first thing in the morning.

My grooming routine consists of a slap-on of foundation and a dab of lippy. In my dimly lit hall mirror I look reasonably acceptable, blissfully unaware of reality. But enter the lift, and all illusion of vanity is removed. This mirror is a crime against humanity. It shows every little line and blemish and manages to give a cadaver like appearance.

imageRecently the boss asked us for suggestions to make our work place better, a think tank of sorts. Ideas to generate additional revenue or save on expenditure. We were all expected to come up with at least one suggestion. I gave it my full consideration and came up with this. I suggested replacing the mirror in the lift. Replace it with one like the ones in clothes boutiques that make you look both skinny and tanned at the same time. Every woman knows about them. How many times have I bought a dress or a pair of jeans that looked fabulous in the shop, only to get home to find that my lumpy arse still looks feckin lumpy.

My thinking was that all the women in the office would start the day feeling confident and happier in the knowledge that they look fabulous, resulting in greater productivity, a more resourceful fruitful workforce…. Clients visiting the office would feel welcomed and assured when greeted by a better more comely reflection of themselves. A happy client is our main goal, right?

imageI was outraged to learn that not only did my suggestion not receive the full consideration it deserved that it was in fact was met with derision.

Reasons to love a mirror that lies.

  • Makes you feel fabulous, resulting in a more cheerful disposition.
  • Makes you feel skinny, resulting in a more cheerful disposition.
  • Makes you feel sexy , resulting in a more cheerful disposition.
  • Makes you look tanned, resulting in a more cheerful disposition.

What’s not to love?

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Nifty Fifty Shades of Thrifty

07 Sunday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

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Tags

funny, midlife, Thrift, women

Last week, I was feeling rather poorly, not sick poorly, just poor poorly as in depleted bank account. My meagre January pay didn’t quite cover the Visa bill. I did what I always do when I feel impoverished, I put on my Grandmothers mink coat (don’t worry its fake) and took myself into Grafton Street to shop. There is nothing quite like mink to make you feel smug. It always amazes me how differently I’m treated when wearing this. Shop assistants offer cups of coffee, shower me with free samples, proffering hand massages, hold doors open with a smile, in fact no task is too much. It’s living someone else’s life when you don’t care too much for your own.

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Freebies, If you were that way inclined you could save a fortune. It got me thinking about other ways to save a few sheckles. That Mediterranean cruise I fantasize about is not going to pay for itself. I need to be proactive about this penny pinching business.
As a Domestic Goddess thriftyness is close to my heart. With that in mind, I suggest the following rules to live by.

The Discerning Ladies Guide to Thriftiness.

Don’t ever buy Moisturiser again.

Beg borrow or steal a mink coat and take yourself off to the most exclusive department store in town. All you need to do is stand there in the cosmetics hall, and wait for the free samples to come to you.

Serving roadkill to dinner guests

imageThe next time it’s your turn to invite friends around to dinner, how about feasting on a fresh kill by a fellow driver? Get the kids involved. Go out in search of a deliciously-free meal that doesn’t even require a trip to the supermarket. Do not pick up a rotted corpse of a fox. Settle for something smaller like a rabbit. Rabbit is ideal as nobody knows what it tastes like and you can pretend its pheasant or partridge (pan roasted pheasant or partridge confit).

Asking for a dozen free samples, then not buying anything

We’ve all tried an ice cream sample or two before finally settling on a flavor to indulge in. If you want variety just go for a dozen or so samples and then buy nothing. It helps to put on your best Cruella de Ville authoritative voice ‘I’ll just sample that blueberry cheesecake flavour again, just to be sure?”.

Collecting your own mineral water

Clear mineral water is excellent for general wellbeing as well as great for the complexion. Collect your own mineral water. Take a hike up a mountain to find the crystal clear spring waters. Take you partner along to carry the load.

Borrow

imageDon’t be afraid to ask your rich friends for a loan of their new Miu Miu bag or Burbury scarf. Explain that you need something to match new shoes and can’t find the right colour.

 

 

Offer to bring clothes to the charity shop.

This is by far the most cunning tip. Tell your rich friend that you are popping over to Oxfam to drop in clothes that you no longer have room for. Offer to take theirs too. Have a good old rifle through their designer cast offs.

 

Keep in touch with rich friends.

imageHanging out with likeminded thrifty people can be too depressing for words. Rich friends have nicer cocktail parties, nicer living rooms to hang out in, nicer clothes to borrow and might even invite you to their pad in the South of France for a jolly time.

Don’t save coupons.

Coupons are not only are they tacky, but you end up buying stuff that you don’t want. If you have a ‘buy one get one free’ voucher for a toe nail curler don’t be tempted. You don’t need one never mind two. Whipping out a voucher at the cash til is unseemly behaviour, unbecoming of a Domestic Goddess.

Think like your Grandmother.

imageMake do and mend. Learn how to sew buttons, repair zips and fix fasteners. No more disposable clothes. And like Grandmother, put your best foot forward when going out and settle for nothing less than mink when choosing a coat.

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