A friend of mine recently posed the question. Should women of a certain age ditch the silky smalls and embrace Spanx on a full time basis?
With a family wedding approaching I must use whatever means of deception available to me to ensure smooth lines. While I’m a great proponent of the big Bridget Jones knickers (my secrets out) I find I’ve reached the stage where I need to progress to something stronger. I intend taking myself into Brown Thomas’s to seek out some industrial strength elastic.
For the uninitiated, let me guide you through The Six Stages of Spanx.
The Decision: Will I won’t I? Weighing up the pros and cons. If you find that your cellulite is visible through thick skirts, or your posterior resembles a lumpy loot bag, well I guess the answer is yes. But then again, you are quite fond of breathing, and would like to continue to breath in the future. The thing is, although they look awful, the latest hi-tech engineered fabric prevents all lumps and bumps from showing through even the flimsiest of clothing. The resulting svelte outline a joy to behold. They make a Primark dress look like Dior (I may be exaggerating a little). Regardless of whether you are overweight or not, we can all benefit from a smooth sleek silhouette. Never mind what you look like underneath, never mind that you will sweat, blister, feel like a stuffed sausage and cease to breath. Pay no heed to the fact that your organs are being squashed or that your legs are numb. These crucial side effects will be duly ignored in the debate. Should you embrace your inner Bridget Jones? You will decide that the answer is YES. Don’t imagine you’d get a look in with the likes of Mark Darcy with an arse the size of small country.
- Choosing: Beware of some classic mistakes. Never wear the long cycling short type under trousers. The legs roll up and look unsightly. Never try to overdo it. If you are size 14 don’t buy size 10 determined to squeeze into them. You might succeed in getting them on, but like a biological game of musical chairs, the unwanted wobbly bits have to go somewhere, usually up. You could end up with an unsightly double chin, or an extra pair of boobs. Also bear in mind that they have to come off at some point. Remember what happened to the style icon herself, Bridget Jones. She wore a corset that rolled up at the both top and bottom, resulting in a perfect not so little roll around the middle.
The Religious Experience: Spanx are a gift from God. Once a devotee, you may never leave home without them again. Spanx worship is a common phenomena.- The Secret: No bungee jumping, rock climbing, foxtrotting, breathing normally. No one must know you are wearing them. Life must be put on hold to prevent a glimpse of your hidden elastic. No one must suspect your addiction to it.
- Admission: Eventually the enormity of the secret will cause a meltdown and you will admit to wearing them. A friend will notice you are wearing a lot of tight fitting clothes of late and question where the tents have disappeared to. ‘OK..I’m wearing them’ you will snap.
Weaning off Elastic: Wearing Spanx eventually leads to a lifelong addiction to elastic. The day may come when you decide to let it all hang out, and you won’t be prepared. An exit strategy should be considered. I understand that there are programs where you can be weaned off elastic, but none with any great success that I’m aware of.
“However, chances of reaching crucial moment greatly increased by wearing these scary stomach-holding in pants, loved by grannies all over the world” ..Helen Feilding. Bridget Jones Diary
Do you feel angry more often than you should?
Ensure chocolate levels are kept up. I recommend 500g of chocolate or two Walnut Whips daily.
Practice wearing a crown. A tiara will do if you can’t get hold of the crown jewels. I recommend you begin with walking around the house, carry out your normal housecraft wearing your crown before attempting to venture outdoors. This will ensure excellent posture, a prerequisite to inner poise.
Take a yoga class. A guaranteed shortcut to inner poise, while meeting interesting people.
Never utter the words ‘Um’ Yea’, ‘Hi’ or ‘Yo’. Acquaint yourself with the terms ‘Hello’ and ‘Yes’.
Channel your inner Bridget Jones. Bridget’s unique brand of grace and poise is an inspiration to all.
Reply promptly to dinner party invitations, RSVPs or declines. If you can’t attend have a good excuse to hand. I always say “I’m having my pearls restrung”, but “I’m having my toenails curled” or “I’d rather stick pins in my eyes” work equally well.
Optician: That comes to Eur 638.75
Mmm!! Which to choose. Blindness or spectacles
My blog is almost three months old. It began as a technical challenge, playing about with WordPress, trying different themes, mucking about with plugins, most enjoyable. Now that I’ve acquainted myself with the wondrous mysteries of the Twitter machine I’m addicted.
Glasses add an aura of mystery, sophistication, serenity.. in manner of Grace Kelly.
Will need special goggles if I ever get a sudden urge to take up diving, skiing, bunji jumping, female boxing, surfing or even just frolicking in the sea. However, the alternative view could be to my advantage – ‘sorry, can’t go frolicking in the sea today – havn’t got the right glasses’.
Even a Domestic Goddesses can have an off day when her crown slips. Never fear, Nifty is here with her top 10 tips, a few pearls of wisdom to restore your good spirits.
1. Take up a new hobby. Make diminutive rocking chairs from clothes pegs. Keep making until you have a whole peggy forest of rocking chairs. Be careful not to show your new hobby to family members as they may insist on you being institutionalised.
I don’t understand this aversion. A good quality feather stuffed cushion will add warmth and style to your sofa and what else can bring a room together like a well placed cushion. What’s not to love?. If your loved one complains, threaten to replace him with a cushion if he’s not careful.
4. challenge your verbal skills. Imaging lines that Elizabeth Bennett would deliver to Mr. Darcy in your remake of Pride and Prejudice. “Mr. Darcy, I am undone….”. Use words like ‘esteemed’,’tolerable’,’piano forte’ or ‘accomplished’.
5. Buy some new accessories. Accessories doth make’th the woman. It’s so difficult to find a good craftsman to restring your pearls. Buy some fake ones which will do for everyday wear. Teamed with your Hermes scarf (a must for any woman of consequence) no one will know the difference.
Before
After
8. Write a blog. My favourite thing of all, researching (yeah right!!) content for my blog. Not only great fun, but an excuse for everything. You’re not having a lie in on a Sunday morning, you’re researching your blog. Your late for something, you can say you’re carrying out crucial research for your blog. There’s no slippers and newspaper at the ready when your loved one comes home, again, essential blog research the culprit.
Lets Pretend it’s Summer
Pretend it’s Summer. Living on an island where it rains for 365 days a year, any respite from the grey clouds, any glimpse of blue sky must be celebrated by stepping out and making the most of it. If by some freak of nature, we manage to get a couple of sunny days in the ‘Summer’ as a nation we join in the fun and frolics talking endlessly about picnics and sunburn. Sales of shorts and sun tops soar regardless of the fact that you will only get to wear them once.
Ever the optimist, I recommend that you do a I do, join in the frenzy of buying barbeques, straw hats, beach umbrellas, factor 50 sun screen. If by the time you arrive home with your treasures the sun has disappeared (which is highly likely) you may have to play the lets pretend game. Follow these instructions and I guarantee satisfaction. You will be transported from your dull cloudy day to a tropical South Seas beach.
Get out your old Wham records and sing along to Club Tropicana.
Sip homemade lemonade, suck on a cool pop or better still, have Himself bring you a Pimms on Ice. I find the alcohol encourages enthusiastic participation in this little role play.
While lounging back, have Your loved one (dressed in a toga obviously) drop grapes into your mouth.
Complain about the sand in your sandwiches.
Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours had been in the charts for over a year and every teenage girl wanted the look. Stevie Nicks was the coolest. She had the original grungy hippy vibe, in her floaty black garb and her shaggy perm, she was every teenage boys dream. Therefore every teenage girl wanted the shaggy perm. Including me.
Nevertheless, I had to have a perm and the only way I was getting it was to succumb to Eileen’s perming skills. I suppose with hindsight the beehive should have been a giveaway, an inkling as to the standard of style Eileen aspired to.
I pulled my hood up, went home and hibernated for three months.
This isn’t me but bears an uncanny resemblance
A young girl called Imogen posted a picture on Facebook last week, of her epic fake tan fail. The unfortunate girl used a paint roller to apply it with disastrous results. It’s debatable whether she deserves our pity as she was stupid enough to share this idiocy with 40,000 Facebook users. However she is young and it got me thinking about my own foolish efforts in the name of vanity. The path to perfection hasn’t always been easy. Domestic Godliness cannot be achieved without a few mishaps along the way.
upon which a section of hair would be combed, covering it with brown paper, ironing said hair and hey presto, beautiful sleek straight tresses, fabulous. All done surrepticiously, without my mother’s knowledge. If caught, no doubt she’d have murdered us.
When it came to my teenage years, my older siblings had moved on and the one sister left, would refuse to iron my hair unless a bribe was offered. Going out in a state of frizz wasn’t an option so I would plead, beg, loan her my newest jeans, offer to do her bidding, anything. The power went to her head and I came to realise this pleading situation couldn’t go on. In desperation one day after she turned a deaf ear to my pleas, I took matters in hand and decided I would iron my own hair. Kneeling down, combing the hair and with brown paper in place I ironed my hair. It worked, I was in heaven. No longer enslaved to the whimsical nature of my siblings moods, I became a dab hand with the brown paper and flaunted my dexterity with the iron.
I suppose it was inevitable that it would end in disaster…
Getting into the lift this morning, I looked particularly bedraggled as I viewed my reflection in the full length mirror facing me. This mirror is my nemesis. Enter this lift at your peril. No matter what efforts I make to look half decent, the mirror tells the same story.
Recently the boss asked us for suggestions to make our work place better, a think tank of sorts. Ideas to generate additional revenue or save on expenditure. We were all expected to come up with at least one suggestion. I gave it my full consideration and came up with this. I suggested replacing the mirror in the lift. Replace it with one like the ones in clothes boutiques that make you look both skinny and tanned at the same time. Every woman knows about them. How many times have I bought a dress or a pair of jeans that looked fabulous in the shop, only to get home to find that my lumpy arse still looks feckin lumpy.
I was outraged to learn that not only did my suggestion not receive the full consideration it deserved that it was in fact was met with derision.
The next time it’s your turn to invite friends around to dinner, how about feasting on a fresh kill by a fellow driver? Get the kids involved. Go out in search of a deliciously-free meal that doesn’t even require a trip to the supermarket. Do not pick up a rotted corpse of a fox. Settle for something smaller like a rabbit. Rabbit is ideal as nobody knows what it tastes like and you can pretend its pheasant or partridge (pan roasted pheasant or partridge confit).
Hanging out with likeminded thrifty people can be too depressing for words. Rich friends have nicer cocktail parties, nicer living rooms to hang out in, nicer clothes to borrow and might even invite you to their pad in the South of France for a jolly time.
Make do and mend. Learn how to sew buttons, repair zips and fix fasteners. No more disposable clothes. And like Grandmother, put your best foot forward when going out and settle for nothing less than mink when choosing a coat.
NiftyFiftyShades 