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NiftyFiftyShades

~ Failed Domestic Goddess

NiftyFiftyShades

Category Archives: Etiquette

You know you’re an adult when…

03 Wednesday Aug 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Etiquette, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

funny, Grown up, midlife, women

napkinfolding

1. You close your online gaming account and join a bee keeping forum. Bee keeping and napkin folding are your new passions.

 

 

 

 

plumber2. Workmen who come to your house to fix your boiler call you Mrs. “That’ll be an extra 50 euros for the new washer Mrs Ryan”.  None of the familiar terms of endearment, ‘love’ or ‘sunshine’ will be uttered.  It’s the least they could do to address you formally and with respect while fleecing you for every last penny.  “Standards must be maintained” will be your new mantra.

brigjones-icecream3. You could eat a whole tub of Haagen Dazs if you wanted to but choose not to. The only person wagging a finger at you as you reach for the fridge is yourself. You can stuff your face with sweets with carefree youthful abandon but you wont.  The bathroom scales will be ever present in your thoughts. It’s not as much fun anyway when there’s no one to scold you.

4. You say more appropriate things than inappropriate things. This anomaly may reverse in time.  When you’re past middle age you revert to saying more inappropriate things than appropriate, or what I like to call – radical honesty.

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5. You develop an awareness of hygiene that was never present in your teenage years.   You become acquainted with the vacuum cleaner.   It never troubled you before but suddenly the collection of socks under the bed makes you queasy.

sitdown6. You’re fond of a old ‘sit down’.

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7. You develop a cushion fixation. Your shopping habits change.  You still like the odd impulse buy but you’re more likely to find yourself in the haberdashery department of Brown Thomas than looking at Gucci handbags.  Who doesn’t love new cushions?

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8. Buying a new appliance makes you more giddy than a thirteen year old at a Justin Bieber concert. You actually read the instructions on how to care for your new stand mixer.

9. Beer will no longer cut the mustard. You discover the joys of a glass of wine.

 

Wine-instead-os-milk

 

Poolside Etiquette

09 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Etiquette, Humour, Travel, Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

Etiquette, funny, Travel

imageYou finally arrive at your hotel after a long and treacherous journey, travel weary, exhausted. All you want to do is flake out in the sunshine.  You’ve been promised tropical bliss.  You envisage doing nothing more than sipping Pimms, taking selfies of your feet while idly contemplating George Clooney’s choice of footwear.  You gather up your poolside paraphernalia, shades, sun cream, sarong, book and head down to the terrace only to find the sun lounger Gestapo have reserved all the best ones. The only one left is beside a bin and some howling infants.   What to do?

imageI found myself in this very predicament on a recent holiday. I decided that there was nothing for it but to rise to the occasion and beat the Germans at their own game.

Before toddling off to bed that night, I passed the pool area only to see towels set out on four of the best located sun loungers.  Feeling brave (alcohol may have been involved) I took the towels and tossed them on the loungers by the bins.  Is that evil? Not really, I restrained myself from dumping them in the pool.

imageI awoke to glorious sunshine pouring in through the slit in the curtains early the next morning (6.50 am).  I watched with interest from my balcony as a woman arrived with her towels and proceeded to claim five sun loungers. Not content with that, with military precision she managed to drag a heavy parasol (anchored to a cement base) over to her den, along with a selection of small tables and some ashtrays.  Clearly I’d have to up my game to be in contention for a prized sun lounger.

Any challenge that requires this level of cunning and precision planning is right up my street.  I can easily out maneuver this one.

I made my way to the pool, took two more sun loungers and proceeded to squash them in the middle of the five, placed my towel and my lucky flip flops on them and headed off to breakfast.

imageReturning later, I relaxed into my sun lounger between Gunthar and Greta, oblivious to the glowering looks from either side as I flicked through Good Housekeeping.

Unfortunately, what began a tickle in my throat suddenly developed in to a severe fit of coughing. As it reached a loud hacking rasping crescendo I reached for my better half, taking his hand I gasped “I don’t think that I’m completely over that particularly virulent bout of Spanish flu”.  As my coughing persisted and it appeared that I might expire at any moment, I noticed how much space I seemed to have either side of me.  In fact, this was much better.  I had the best spot all to myself.

A Goddess has standard.  Now, where’s that Pimms?

Am I evil?.

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Signs you’ve given up on life

25 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Etiquette, Fashion, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

midlife, women

imageA picture of a burka clad Anne Robinson in today’s Daily Mail got me thinking.  Some days it’s easier to hide behind baggy clothes.

Maybe you didn’t bother to check in the mirror and failed to notice that you are wearing navy trousers and black shoes but that doesn’t mean that you’ve completely given up on life.  No need to sound the full ‘I’m having a mental breakdown’ klaxon just yet.   A minor blip.  You may allow your crown to slip occasionally, but beware fellow Goddesses, it may be the start of the slide into decrepitude.

If you seek acceptance into polite society you must heed the warning signs.  If you fail more than two of the following tests, you are definitely displaying signs that you’ve given up on life.  You may need therapy to restore order.

imageWearing elasticated trousers.  This shows a complete disregard for society in general.  While ‘Thanksgiving pants’ as worn by Joey in Friends, may be permitted as a vehicle for comedy but in real life are an absolute no no.  Equally, referring to trousers as ‘relaxed fit’ or ‘slacks’, a serious crime against good taste.  If you wear tracksuit bottoms when not exercising, don’t bother with therapy, go straight to the asylum.  Perhaps it might be an idea to keep an outfit on standby, maybe some sort of bee keeping ensemble, it would be preferable to tracksuits.  Anne Robinson’s would do well to heed my advice.

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You bump into someone you haven’t seen for some time and  they proceed to tell you about the fabulous cocktail parties they’ve been and their last holiday in the Cinque Terre.   They ask you ‘What have you been up to’ and you can’t be bothered lying.  You realise that you haven’t been anywhere.  My advice, just say ‘Oh, the usual, extreme ironing, can’t get enough of it’.

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You try to lift your mood with a spot of retail therapy resulting in unwanted purchases.  Dust mop slippers.  I rest my case.

 

 

 

 

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Procrastination.  If this is your mantra “Hard work pays off but procrastination pays off now”.

 

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Brandishing a Primark bag.  By all means shop to your hearts content here but don’t flaunt it.  Standards must be maintained at all times. At least have the good sense to conceal it in a Brown Thomas bag.

 

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You fall asleep anywhere.

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You only apply nail polish to your big toe, the others won’t be seen.

 

 

 

 

 

imageYou haven’t seen your bedroom floor in over 3 months due to an assortment of clothes, mugs, books and magazines strewn around. This far exceeds the normal realms of messy.  Nothing screams ‘Look at me, I’m celebate ’  more than going to sleep under a pile of magazines and a laptop.

 

 

 

 

imageWellies.  Only wear if you are a farmer.  Even posh Hunter wellies ceased to be acceptable in 1981 when Prince Charles was snapped wearing them.

 

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Your handbag is a health hazard.  It’s stuffed with tissues, receipts and chewing gum with bits of grit stuck to it.  Your purse smells of the cheese sandwich which you bought two days ago and forgot about.

 

 

You choose vodka

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If you fail the test, you are not the only one suffering from your descent into the abyss,  the mental scars extend to your pooch.

This is a dog who fully understands and supports your ‘I’ve given up on life’ behaviour.

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The Six Stages of Spanx

04 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Etiquette, Fashion, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Shopping, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

Fashion, funny, midlife, spanx, women

A friend of mine recently posed the question.  Should women of a certain age ditch the silky smalls  and embrace Spanx on a full time basis?

With a family wedding approaching I must use whatever means of deception available to me to ensure smooth lines.  While I’m a great proponent of the big Bridget Jones knickers (my secrets out) I find I’ve reached the stage where I need to progress to something stronger.  I intend taking myself into Brown Thomas’s to seek out some industrial strength elastic.

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For the uninitiated,  let me guide you through  The Six Stages of Spanx.

  1. image.jpegThe Decision:  Will I won’t I?  Weighing up the pros and cons. If you find that your cellulite is visible through thick skirts, or your posterior resembles a lumpy loot bag, well I guess the answer is yes. But then again, you are quite fond of breathing, and would like to continue to breath in the future. The thing is, although they look awful, the latest hi-tech engineered fabric prevents all lumps and bumps from showing through even the flimsiest of clothing. The resulting svelte outline a joy to behold. They make a Primark dress look like Dior (I may be exaggerating a little). Regardless of whether you are overweight or not, we can all benefit from a smooth sleek silhouette. Never mind what you look like underneath, never mind that you will sweat, blister, feel like a stuffed sausage and cease to breath. Pay no heed to the fact that your organs are being squashed or that your legs are numb. These crucial side effects will be duly ignored in the debate. Should you embrace your inner Bridget Jones? You will decide that the answer is YES. Don’t imagine you’d get a look in with the likes of Mark Darcy with an arse the size of small country.image
  2. Choosing:       Beware of some classic mistakes.       Never wear the long cycling short type under trousers. The legs roll up and look unsightly. Never try to overdo it. If you are size 14 don’t buy size 10 determined to squeeze into them. You might succeed in getting them on, but like a biological game of musical chairs, the unwanted wobbly bits have to go somewhere, usually up.       You could end up with an unsightly double chin, or an extra pair of boobs. Also bear in mind that they have to come off at some point. Remember what happened to the style icon herself, Bridget Jones. She wore a corset that rolled up at the both top and bottom, resulting in a perfect not so little roll around the middle.
  3. imageThe Religious Experience: Spanx are a gift from God. Once a devotee, you may never leave home without them again. Spanx worship is a common phenomena.
  4. The Secret: No bungee jumping, rock climbing, foxtrotting, breathing normally. No one must know you are wearing them.  Life must be put on hold to prevent a glimpse of your hidden elastic. No one must suspect your addiction to it.
  5. Admission:    Eventually the enormity of the secret will cause a meltdown and you will admit to wearing them. A friend will notice you are wearing a lot of tight fitting clothes of late and question where the tents have disappeared to. ‘OK..I’m wearing them’ you will snap.
  6. imageWeaning off Elastic: Wearing Spanx eventually leads to a lifelong addiction to elastic. The day may come when you decide to let it all hang out, and you won’t be prepared. An exit strategy should be considered.    I understand that there are programs where you can be weaned off elastic, but none with any great success that I’m aware of.

 

 

 

“However, chances of reaching crucial moment greatly increased by wearing these scary stomach-holding in pants, loved by grannies all over the world”  ..Helen Feilding.  Bridget Jones Diary

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Finding The One

26 Tuesday Apr 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Etiquette, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

family, funny, Love, midlife, women

The institution of marriage is a serious business and should never be enterprised lightly or wantonly according to my good friend Mrs. Mills.

A report in yesterday’s Dail Mail claims that an algorithm has been developed to find Mr. Perfect.  Whisky Tango Foxtrot!!

image.jpegWhat to look for in a man? Brave, intelligent, suave, sophisticated, thoughtful, kind, handsome, funny?  Wrong, solvent, hygenic and not afraid of the odd bit of housework .   Find a man who can keep you in the style you would like to become accustomed to who doesn’t have his own personal odour.  Forget GSOH or SWM, when placing your personal ad in The Farmers Journal include HLOD(has loads of dosh) and DS (doesn’t smell).

As an expert on such matters, I feel it’s my duty to share other qualities often overlooked when it comes to choosing your man.  No need to resort to dodgy matchmaking sites making dubious claims while charging an arm and a leg.  Neither internet or algorithms have a place in cupids plans.  Ignore my counsel at your peril.  My advice has over the years prevented many an unsuitable attachment

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  1. imageYou may need a measuring tape for this one. A man may be judged on the length of his sideburns. Sideburns should never exceed 4 cm in length.    I recommend carrying a small ruler or measuring tape on your person on first dates. Immediately discount any potential suitors overstepping the mark. When it comes to the sideburn rule, all severities in (even Bridget has to ask Mark Darcy to reconsider the length of his sideburns).

 

 

image2. The correct level of forgetfulness. A man should never remember anything you say, but still retain the ability to remember anniversaries and birthdays.

 

3. The perfect man should suffer from body dysmorphia, when it comes to his partner that is. He will always view you as ‘a mere slip of a thing’, regardless of your weight or size. The words ‘fat’, ‘chubby’, ‘stout’, ‘well rounded’, ‘child bearing hips’ will never pass his lips. These words will simply fail to exist in his vocabulary.

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image4. A man should never let the side down on the dance floor. The ability to tango or quick step should be held in the highest esteem. This shows an innate talent to interpret and communicate feelings through the physical form. Word of warning though, draw the line at sparkly unitards if your man is over the age of 24. Mr. Fifty loves nothing more than to start the day with an invigorating foxtrot.

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5. A man should be able to hold his whiskey. This comes in useful if you’ve had more than a few ‘lemonades’ and need a steady hand to guide you home.   If just doesn’t work if both you and your partner are a bit on the wobbly side.

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image6. A man should never indulge in excessive grooming. Anything more than a haircut every 6 weeks is vulgar excess.  Remember, the entire household grooming budget is for you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

image7. Never date a man who wears socks with sandals, a clear sign of a deeply disturbed mind.

 

 

 

 

MCDOCEL EC042

OCEAN’S ELEVEN, George Clooney, 2001, © Warner Brothers

7. If your suitor answers to last name Clooney, first name George, discount numbers 1, 4,2 and 5 above. Also 3 and 6. He’ll do just fine.

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Some ideas for personal ads?

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Bad Trolley Etiquette

06 Wednesday Apr 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Etiquette, Humour, Shopping

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

funny, midlife, parenting, women

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As a mother of three adult students who manage to consume several crates of bananas and many cartons of eggs on a daily basis, not to mention whole boxes of cereal in one sitting (my middle son can munch on a bowl of seven Weetabix while waiting on dinner), supermarket shopping features heavily in my daily schedule in order to keep the larder stocked. Hence, I consider myself an expert on trolley etiquette. I’m talking supermarket trolleys of course, not hostess trolleys, which incidentally I’m also an expert on, but let’s not digress, that’s way too deep and a whole separate blog.

imageFellow domestic Goddesses will be well versed in the intricacies of maneuvering through aisle traffic, but I’ll share my tips with those less informed. Let’s be clear about this, many a woman’s reputation has been ruined on the slip of a wheel or the destruction of an apple pyramid among the aisles of Fallon and Byrne. From extensive observation of supermarket behaviour, I have deduced that men are the root of all evil in the supermarket. All this dithering hither and yon, seeking out preferred items, not knowing their pilchards from their sardines, causing untold mayhem in the aisles, preventing women from sailing through the deli section unimpeded.

imageNo wonder men suffer more accidents when constantly subjected to trolley attack by women. Statistics show that tall, dark, handsome men are particularly accident prone, leading me to suspect the intentions of some.

imageSome younger women are equally misbehaved. On a recent excursion to the supermarket I encountered two young ladies in the pickle aisle taking selfies with the mini cucumbers, trolleys askew (preventing access to the mini gherkins). Such reprehensible behavour, I immediately jumped in, photobombing with a full size cucumber.

 

I think it’s high time I reveal Nifty’s difinitive guide to trolley etiquette.

imageDrive on the left. May cause confusion for visitors outside Ireland and the UK. I’ve written to the minister for Transport on the matter, requesting the installation of traffic lanes and possibly even traffic lights in all Supermarket aisles.

 

Greet people you know with a wave, smiling as you sail on by. If you meet your close friend who relays all the juiciest gossip, it’s perfectly acceptable to hog the aisle. Salacious gossip takes precedence over everything.

Make sure to pick up a fresh haddock, you may need it later.
Don’t stop at aisle intersections. Barge your way through. If you show weakness people with take liberties.

imageIf you reach for your favourite aromatic duck only to find another hand has grabbed it simultaneously, position your trolley to give a sharp prod to the ankles of your opponent. Again, this requires focus. Skilfully quide your trolley back down the adjacent aisle while your opponent is hopping on one foot. This manoeuvre works well for anyone who gets your goat up, young ladies wearing pyjamas, pretentious shoppers who loudly ask for Lobster Gazpacho at the deli counter.

 

Always use the express queue. The item limit is purely a precautionary measure. If challenged by someone behind, simply point at their basket asking loudly “Is that your haemorrhoid cream”.

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If you happen to take a pineapple from the bottom of a pineapple mountain and it results in a fruit catastrophe, quietly retreat backwards to the adjacent aisle. If it’s a banana mountain in disarray, hide behind the next aisle and watch for slippages. A little amusement to brighten your day.

 

 

 

 

imageIf you are in a hurry it’s perfectly acceptable to skip the queue. Simply distract the person at the top of the queue by pointing outside shouting “Is that George Clooney”. At this point you swoop in with your trolley towards the cash desk, unloading your items on the conveyer belt before anyone can object. If anyone does complain, slap them across the face with your fresh haddock. It will usually stun for long enough to allow you to proceed unhampered.

 

Park in the trolley bay if you feel like it.

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Or you might come back to this.

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Take out a subscription to receive the popular magazine Jolly Trolley Today.  I must say a more comprehensive and informative publication on this fascinating topic you won’t find. A must for any domestic Goddess worth her salt.

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Bad Office Etiquette

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Etiquette, Humour, lifestyle, work

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

Etiquette, funny, midlife, women, work

imageThere is a kitchen area in work, just to the side of the large open plan office. On the counter top, you always find sundries, a large box of free fruit which is delivered daily, tea , coffee, sugar etc., charity collection boxes and occasionally, people leave free things. Magazines they’ve read, maybe a book or some such thing.

Last week, someone left a free nasal spray. It had a yellow sticker beside it saying ‘free – help yourself’. Not a new unused spray in a box, but a half used nasal spray. The questionable hygiene habits of some of my colleagues has always perplexed me, but a pre-loved nasal spray?? Who could have imagined such generosity existed in our midst.

Since then, the good people I work with have embraced this notion of sharing half used items. Yesterday morning, a half chewed packet of Halls menthol lozenges appeared, with the obligatory ‘free – help yourself – use sensibly’.  In the afternoon, a half packet of tissues (actually cut in half).

What started out as a kind gesture, however questionable by the mystery nasal spray doner, has turned into an epic free for all of sharing half consumed items. I’ve decided to join in the frenzy of caring and sharing. My dilemma, I can’t decide whether to leave half a Q-tip or some left over corn plasters.

 

Office etiquette, the do’s and dont’s may be tricky to navigate. Riddled with pitfalls, office etiquette can see a perfectly nice day descend into nightmare.

I think it’s time to reveal Nifty’s guide to surviving the office.

When the CEO deigns to visit your office, hang on his every word nodding in agreement.  Bask in the glow of his greatness, in manner of North Korean peasant in the presence of Kim Jong Un.  Long may his wisdom continue to shine a light on your life. Flattery will get you everywhere including that next promotion.

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Never chew gum.  Ghastly habit.  May lead to blowing bubbles and therefore the complete disintegration of civilised society.

 

 

 

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Practice extreme health and safety. Insist on wearing protective goggles when using a stapler, a punch or indeed any office accoutrements.

 

 

funny-personalhygiene1Personal hygiene is of the utmost importance.  If a colleague has his/her own personal pungent fragrance, he/she must be told in no uncertain terms to wash.

 

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You may need to send an anonymous Deodorgram.  Have a message included with the gift, the most popular one is (according to the manufacturers)“You’ve always been such a cute little stinker, now you can just be cute and little! Please enjoy this hard working natural deodorant sent to you from a caring friend”.

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Do not put used coffee beans down the kitchen sink. This caused enormous problems in our office building, leading to what we now commonly refer to as ‘the great smell of 2014’.

Avoid sleezy comments. “Come into my office Miss Jones, I need you to take something down”.  The use of the double entendre is perfectly acceptable at smart dinner parties, but knowing when to use shows nuance and versatility.

imageEnsure your desk is a disorganised mess.  Colleagues will fear cross contamination and leave you in peace.

 

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Always dress impeccably, casual Friday is all very well for the great unwashed, but to a domestic Goddess it means donning your Hermes scarf and Jimmy Choos.   Remember, you are of a higher station, an inspiration to all and standards must be maintained.

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Ensure the intern understands the pecking order.

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Nifty Pick Me Ups

21 Monday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Etiquette, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

family, funny, midlife

imageEven a Domestic Goddesses can have an off day when her crown slips. Never fear, Nifty is here with her top 10 tips, a few pearls of wisdom to restore your good spirits.

A word of warning, you may need to switch off your brain before reading.

 

 

 

 

image1. Take up a new hobby.   Make diminutive rocking chairs from clothes pegs.  Keep making until you have a whole peggy forest of rocking chairs.  Be careful not to show your new hobby to family members as they may insist on you being institutionalised.

 

 

 

2. Buy a new cushion. The value and status a good cushion adds to your homestead cannot be overstated. If I am ever to divorce, the quantity of cushions in my abode may be the subject of proceedings. Himself threatens to leave if I bring another single cushion into the house.

imageI don’t understand this aversion. A good quality feather stuffed cushion will add warmth and style to your sofa and what else can bring a room together like a well placed cushion. What’s not to love?. If your loved one complains, threaten to replace him with a cushion if he’s not careful.

It’s a universal truth that cushions are a woman’s best friend, not diamonds.

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3. Tea in bed. The restorative benefits of a cup of tea in bed should not be underestimated. For a weekend treat I request Figment my butler bring  the morning edition, crisp, clean and freshly ironed.

 

image.jpeg4. challenge your verbal skills.  Imaging lines that Elizabeth Bennett would deliver to Mr. Darcy in your remake of Pride and Prejudice. “Mr. Darcy, I am undone….”.  Use words like ‘esteemed’,’tolerable’,’piano forte’ or ‘accomplished’.

 

image5. Buy some new accessories. Accessories doth make’th the woman. It’s so difficult to find a good craftsman to restring your pearls. Buy some fake ones which will do for everyday wear. Teamed with your Hermes scarf (a must for any woman of consequence) no one will know the difference.

 

 

 

6. Eat something yummy. If you don’t have quail eggs to hand, Walnut Whips never fail to offer 100% satisfaction.

 

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7. Be Fabulous. Sometimes is easy to forget just how fabulous you are. Get grooming, primping, preening, crimping, polishing, de-fuzzing, tweezing, plucking or what ever it takes.  Arm yourself with the tools of the beauty trade and return yourself to a state of fabulousness.

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Try something new when it comes to nails.

 

image8. Write a blog. My favourite thing of all, researching (yeah right!!) content for my blog. Not only great fun, but an excuse for everything. You’re not having a lie in on a Sunday morning, you’re researching your blog. Your late for something, you can say you’re carrying out crucial research for your blog. There’s no slippers and newspaper at the ready when your loved one comes home, again, essential blog research the culprit.

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9. What list of pick-me-ups would be complete without a picture of Gorgeous George (an excuse to include a picture of him).

 

 

10. If all this fails there is always wine!

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