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NiftyFiftyShades

~ Failed Domestic Goddess

NiftyFiftyShades

Category Archives: food

What Your Water Says About You

14 Thursday Jul 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Drink, food, Health, Humour, lifestyle, Uncategorized

≈ 3 Comments

Tags

Drink, funny, helath, water

imageIf only I lived as a North Korean peasant in the presence of Kim Jung Un. The special one has discovered a new treatment to prevent aging and cancer – water. Water from the sacred Mt Koryong. And the benevolent leader has bottled it for his 27 million subjects to buy.

If like me, you like your water infused with rose petals and oxygen, collected from the tears of water nymphs, regurgitated by the Dalai Lama himself and spit into a bottle, then the following might interest you.

imageAccording to Nth Korean scientists “There are nano-tracks in human’s cell membrane and only smaller molecule water can pass it. Such water is absorbed rapidly into human body to promote metabolism of cells and works as antioxidant to prevent the accumulation of peroxides, retard aging and prevent cancer.”

And the water is indeed sacred, there is a never ending supply. According to reports “Geologists and management officials of the spring water factory have not yet measured the exact volume of water. However, much they pump the water, it never diminishes.”

Its claimed that is has mysterious energies, and cleverly nicknamed ‘clear water’. I suppose ‘murky water’ wouldn’t do.

I suspect Kim himself told his scientists to find the cure for cancer or else face a cruel tortuous death. Low and behold, there it was starting them in the face.. water..

What your choice of water says about you.

imageCoconut Water :– You are a hypochondriac totally taken in by the hype. You’re never more than 5 ft. from a yoga mat and you firmly believe that drinking coconut water will allow you to remain in a Downward Dog position when you’ve passed the 100 year mark. You don’t really like the taste, but that’s the price of being a smug health freak.

Fiji Water :- You like taking selfies of your gym body, you never pass a glass without checking your reflection to confirm that you still have it.

Tap water :- Tap water ceased to be acceptable in 1989. You are obviously very very old….

imageSmart Water:- You’re not that smart but you like to show everyone that you’re tech savvy. You believe the junk science behind electrolytes that replenish lost energy. You want to know what the Ph balance is but don’t understand what it means.

 

Evian :- An acceptable choice for a domestic Goddess. It has the ‘Je ne sais quoi’ factor. Would do if San Pellegrino not available.

imageSan Pellegrino:- Sweet nectar of the Gods.  Lets be clear, this is not merely a bottle of water but an accessory, and we all live by the old adage “Accessories doth mak’eth the woman”. Your Chloe handbag is just the right size for carrying it but you’d rather keep it in your hand.

 

 

imageLidlAldi own brand:- You are the intellectual superior to everyone. You know it makes sense, it’s functional, cheaper and of equal quality to Evian and you can bulk buy when doing your grocery shop. You actually understand the junk science about electrolytes in water. You think Louis Vouton plays for Arsenal and your idea of a perfect holiday is a potholing expedition in Donegal.

Tipperary Spring :- You are a country bumpkin. You prefer a night by the fire knitting Aran jumpers to a night on the tiles.

Water Fountain: – Your homeless, but hey, you have the edge on everyone else, you’re drinking free clean water…

Tap Dancing School - 'We only use tap water.'

Tap Dancing School – ‘We only use tap water.’

Bonkers Food

23 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, lifestyle, Uncategorized

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food, funny

imageIf you’re thinking of moving to LA anytime soon, you need to get with the program. LA based Amanda Chantal Bacon owns Moon Juice, a juice and nut milk shop.  She has a ‘copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea’ every morning.  Last year she wrote a food diary for Elle which went viral.

“At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to school drop off, drink it in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity and libido boosting powers of Bran Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca snd Shilajit resin. I throw in some ho shou wu and pearl as part of my beauty regime.  I chase it with three Quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy”.   Source –Jay Rayner /Twitter

 

If that isn’t enough to put you off your cornflakes…I did some digging of my own and found plenty of similarly ludicrous food fads to make you feel inadequate.

imageAstrologically farmed eggs – That is, eggs that are laid at a certain time to coincide with cycles of the moon. Apparently they are tastier they have ‘bright sunset yellow’ yokes.  This also comes under the heading of Biodynamic Farming, or bonkers farming to you and me, which advocates planting, cultivating and harvesting crops based on moon phases.

image.jpegBog Butter – A farmer in County Cavan has found a large knob of butter. Why has this made global headlines.  Because it’s not just any old butter but 2000 year old bog butter buried by our forefathers and  preserved in a bog.  Now lauded as a wonder food, much sought after due to its rarity.   According to scientists, bog butter provides additional peat infused nutrients. It has a waxy texture and smells of cheese.   Will we read next of Russian oligarchs shelling out millions for it?  One woman’s forward planning I found amusing,  she intends to turn her breast milk into butter and bury it in the Bog of Allen, so that some archaeologist will dig it up and tuck into it in a couple of hundred years time.

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Quinoa – never eat anything you can’t pronounce. Deeply unpleasant glue like grain.  The unpalatable truth is that poor Bolivians can no longer afford it due to soaring western demand.

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imageActivated cashews – if you must have ‘bio-available’ nuts.

From  ‘Nourishing Traditions’ by Sally Fallon

How to activate your nuts…

  1. Dissolve salt in enough water to cover the amount of nuts/seeds you are activating.
  2. In a large bowl place your nut or seed of choice.
  3. Cover with the salt water solution.
  4. Soak for the required number of hours.
  5. Strain and rinse the nuts.
  6. Spread over a dehydrator rack, or baking tray.
  7. Dry in the dehydrator for around 12-24 hours.
  8. If drying in the oven, set the oven at the lowest temperature possible, preferably no more than 65C. Stir or turn them occasionally, for the required drying time.
  9. And the result? A crunchy, delicious, totally bio-available and stress-free, nuts.

image.jpeg

Watermelon spiked with gin – Maybe this one is not so ludicrous.  Cut a hole into the watermelon that is deep enough to pour in a large helping of your favourite tipple. Leave overnight and serve the next day.

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BBQ Heaven or Griller Warfare?

31 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, lifestyle, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Bbq, family, food, funny, women

image.jpegHorray!!  Summer has arrived.  Time to delve into the dark corners of the garage and haul out the bbq, (which gets little use in Ireland I might add).  Time for my man to shine.  I may be capable of turning out the odd gourmet delights in my role as head chef in our household but lets face it, how could I possibly know anything about barbequing, being a mere woman.  No, the barbeque is the mans domain, we all know that BBQ’s are powered not by coal, but testosterone.

imageFirst task, remove cobwebs and lift lid to reveal last years ash and grime. Remove any congealed crumbs or rotten meat the result of having  been stashed away last year in an unclean state. Obviously this is the woman’s responsibility.  Cleaning the BBQ is not manly work. A good half hour vigorous scrub of the grill and we are ready to rock.

image.jpegBuying the food, this is obviously the woman’s job.  Supermarket shopping is not manly work.  The meat may need preparation by the woman  first.  The woman may be assigned other lowly tasks, like tossing the salad, making dips, setting out cutlery, tables, napkins, glasses etc.  The meat should be set out on the tray beside the bbq in preparation for the manly spectacle of placing the meat on the grill.

imageDrinks in the form of beer should be provided to the man.   The woman should ensure that the fridge is stocked with cold beverages as obviously this is thirsty work for the man.

 

 

 

 

 

image.jpegAdmiration for the manly work being done.  While he dons his black apron, brandishing his tongs, pause for a moment to behold this vision of manly lovliness.

imageThe highly technical precision turning of the burgers, the careful examination of the sausage, all essential requirements to ensure even browning.  In the end to ensure no breaches of health and safety, he will make the decision to burn the bejasus out of everything.

 

 

image.jpegFinally, the momentous eating of the by now beyond recognition cremated meat.  Loud noises of approval all round.  The woman may announce loudly to everyone what a treasure her man is, to nods of approval all round.

 

I wonder who gets to clean up afterwards?

 

A Tale of Two Cocktails..Italian Style

21 Saturday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Drink, food, lifestyle, Travel, Uncategorized

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Tags

cocktails, family, Italy, wedding

Fotografo-Titignano_018Is there anything quite as divine as Italian everything..Italian food, Italian scenery, Italian weather.. Italian fashion..Italian wine.

titignano1I’m still high on from spending a few days living la dolce vita where I combined all the above.  My fabulous nephew and his beautiful bride tied the knot in the little fairytale village of Titignano in the hills just north of Rome.  I’d run out of superlatives if I tried to describe this magical setting, so instead let me tell you a tale of two cocktails (or three, or was it four?)

Prior to this trip my idea of an Italian meal was typical, pizza, pasta and if being pretentious, tiramisu for dessert.  A virgin to the authentic experience of eating twenty courses in one sitting,  I wouldn’t have believed I was capable, but then I’d never tasted the real deal..

image.jpegSeated at our tables for the wedding feast (and it was a feast), we noted the menu seemed to have no less than five courses, each course four or five options, all delicious yummy sounding mouth watering treats for the palate, what to choose?.  Before the waiter came to take orders, our first course arrived.  Bruschetta, like I’ve never tasted before..

A cocktail bar brought in from Rome was up and running.  At our table Molly, who we later christened our ‘waitress at a cocktail bar’ announced that our table was ‘Cocktail Central’.   Raspberry Bellini’s were the order of the day, so not wanting to feel left out we joined in the Bellini frenzy.  I’d already had prosecco so not mixing the grape.. All good.    Next up was a selection of cured meats..yum, followed by cheese quiche.  It was then that the penny dropped, no need to ponder what to choose, we were eating EVERYTHING on the menu…

Creamy risotto with asparagus and porcini mushrooms followed by pappardelle in wild boar sauce.  Maybe it was time to try sticking to The Morsel Diet.  You can eat whatever you want but only a morsel.. Mariah Carey no less is a great proponent of the Morsel Diet… Only problem, the food was too scrumptious to leave any..

oldfashionedMolly informed us that an Old Fashioned was the last word in cocktails.  A concoction of whiskey, sugar and bitters.  My better half volunteered to sample one, take one for the team.  He never drinks cocktails…his mantra  ‘thou shalt drink only manly pints of Guinness’ was out the window.

darkandstormyAnd the food kept coming.  Goose, wild boar..each offering more tempting than the last.  Thank God I’d decided against wearing Spanx.  Plenty of room for expansion..… bring it on.  If someone is kind enough to invite you to join in their special day, isn’t it your duty to let your hair down, overindulge, have an amazing time?  Never let it be said I’d shirk my duty..

How could I resist the heavenly desserts (note I used the plural).  These works of art weren’t even on the menu.. OMG I’m going to be rolled home.

Now that the meal was over, back to Cocktail Central.   Molly with a finger on the pulse of the latest cocktail trends, announced that the Old Fashioned was old hat. Whisperings of a new cocktail that was sweeping the streets of Titignano reached us..a ‘Dark and Stormy’.. rum, ginger ale, black pepper??  Himself was first to offer his services again as chief sampler.

What to do when you overindulge?  Time to work off all that food..

 

I chose.. Chaka Kahn.. I’m every woman…

It’s amazing how that fifth cocktail turns you into the best dancer

EVER…

 

Let’s Pretend it’s Summer

09 Wednesday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, food, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Drink, funny, midlife, Summer, women

 

 

image.jpegLets Pretend it’s Summer

If raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens don’t do it for you, try one of my favourite things to put a spring in your step.

imagePretend it’s Summer. Living on an island where it rains for 365 days a year, any respite from the grey clouds, any glimpse of blue sky must be celebrated by stepping out and making the most of it. If by some freak of nature, we manage to get a couple of sunny days in the ‘Summer’ as a nation we join in the fun and frolics talking endlessly about picnics and sunburn. Sales of shorts and sun tops soar regardless of the fact that you will only get to wear them once.

 

imageEver the optimist, I recommend that you do a I do, join in the frenzy of buying barbeques, straw hats, beach umbrellas, factor 50 sun screen. If by the time you arrive home with your treasures the sun has disappeared (which is highly likely) you may have to play the lets pretend game. Follow these instructions and I guarantee satisfaction. You will be transported from your dull cloudy day to a tropical South Seas beach.

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Switch on the central heating and parade around the house in shorts and flip-flops as you would on a rare sweltering July day. The beauty of this is that you can try this any time of year. March is the perfect time as by now you’re sick to death of the endless days of deluge.

imageGet out your old Wham records and sing along to Club Tropicana.

Relax on your sun lounger(which you’ve brought indoors).

 

Browse holiday brochures while waiting on fake tan to dry

 

 

 

imageSip homemade lemonade, suck on a cool pop or better still, have Himself bring you a Pimms on Ice. I find the alcohol encourages enthusiastic participation in this little role play.

 

 

 

imageWhile lounging back, have Your loved one (dressed in a toga obviously) drop grapes into your mouth.

Complain about the stifling heat, as it wouldn’t be real if we didn’t complain about something.

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Get some sand from the beach and place it in a icing sugar shaker. When you are eating your sandwiches, shake a little sand over them for that authentic crunchy taste you only get on a beach picnic.

imageComplain about the sand in your sandwiches.

Burn a few coconut scented candles to add a tropical feel to your little beach hideaway.

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If by this time you haven’t embraced your inner beach Goddess, finish the bottle of Pimms, that should transport you to another dimension.

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What Your Coffee Says About You

03 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Coffee, food, funny, midlife, women

imageI’ve just discovered the earth shattering truth that whole milk is less fattening than the skimmed variety. Something to do with the way sugars are absorbed. All these years of deprivation for nothing. In light of this revelation I may even change my morning Americano for a Latte. This seismic change to my routine makes me question everything. After all, your choice of coffee speaks volumes about who you are.

What your coffee says about you.

Cappachino

imageYou are deeply shallow. You probably also like to wear labels emblazoned across your chest. FCUK t-shirts and Burbury handbags. If you are travelling in Italy, never order a cappachino in the afternoon. This is exclusively a morning beverage, and drinking it at any other time would be considered both ignorant and tacky. According to research carried out by the Irish Coffee Council, you are a people pleaser. However, the upside is that shallowness is not necessarily a personality flaw. Being of a shallow disposition myself, I cannot cast aspersions on those of you who are like minded.

Tripple Espresso.

imageThe manly kind of coffee. You like to hit your woman over the head with a club and drag her back to your den to make your espresso for you. If you are a straight woman ordering a tripple espresso, you may want question your sexuality.

Instant Coffee.

image.pngThe type favoured by tradesmen. A mug of Nescafe and an all-day breakfast roll is your only man.

 

 

Cup of coffee.

What’s that? The cup of coffee officially became extinct in 1974. A pensioner in a coffee shop could be forgiven for thinking that he’s been transported to a foreign land. The Eastern European barista (bless him) doesn’t understand what a cup of coffee is, he’s way too young to remember and anyway it’s not on the board. The pensioner thinks the Frappuchino and the Macchiato are something performed on Strictly Come Dancing.

Skinny Latte.

The sole preserve of the yummy mummy. You like to get a skinny latte to go, sipping it in your Land Rover while waiting for the kids to come out of school.

Americano.

imageYou are the cautious, pragmatic type. A deep fear of foam moustaches prevents you from ordering what you really want, a Frappuccino.

 

 

Decaf.

imageDecaf lovers are subversives. They like nothing more than a good protest. Can been marching with placards saying ‘Down with that sort of thing’. Along with vegans and fruitarians, the decaf brigade should be rounded up and transported to Van Demons land for crimes against civilised society.

Macchiato.

You place style above substance. The macchiato is enjoyed by hipsters and the terminally naff alike. You may actually prefer a nice cup of tea but that wouldn’t fit well with your image.

image

Walnut Oil. I am The Queen of Drizzle

12 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Health, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

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food, funny, Health, lifestyle, midlife, women

imageOlive oil.  I won’t bore you with the science but apparently it’s hugely beneficial to the health of my arteries, but only when used cold, not in cooking.  So I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.

Meanwhile, seeking out a  good quality oil in my local deli, I noticed Walnut oil on the shelf.  A quick Google informed me that walnut oil leaves olive oil in the halfpenny place when it comes to health.  As I mentioned in a previous blog, walnuts make you skinny.  Skinny and healthy, well what can a girl do but buy a truck load of it.  I decide I’m replacing butter with walnut oil.

image

Day 1.

My breakfast is a honey spelt roll at my desk.  I replace the butter with walnut oil.  It actually tastes delicious.  Never mind that a strange smell wafts around the vicinity of my desk.  Never mind that I have oil stains on my blouse or that my phone is slipping out of my hands.  I feel  joyous, proud, elated that I’ve take the first step to a healthy lifestyle.  I eye my less informed colleagues eating their croissants with an equal measure of disdain and pity.

Lunch is a salad of avocado, peppers, rocket tomato and of course, lashings of walnut oil… I’m getting healthier by the minute.  I can feel my arteries unblocking with every mouthful.  It tastes delicious, I have second helpings.

At home, I decide to have some walnut oil tapenade to tide me over while cooking dinner, a stir fry with yes, more walnut oil. I am the queen of drizzle.

Day 2

Breakfast and lunch same as day one.

Dinner:  Walnut salad with grilled mackerel, with a little walnut oil drizzled on top.

Day 3

Breakfast and lunch same as day one.

Dinner: Broccolli and scallops a la walnut oil.

Day 4

fat woman with pie on weight scaleI’m starting to notice a change in the tightness of my clothes.   I rush to the bathroom scales.  Nooooo..This is not what I signed up for.  Walnut oil is meant to be skinny making not fat making.

On closer inspection, I see that the calories in one bottle of walnut oil could nourish a small nation.

From one Domestic Goddess to another, take heed, never watch shows that involve doctors telling you what to eat.

“Croissants anyone?”

image.jpeg

 

Lent and Walnut Whips

10 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, Midlife, Uncategorized

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food, midlife, work

imageIts Ash Wednesday, the first day of lent, the day a Domestic Goddess must insist is a day of fasting.

I arrive in work and the first topic of conversation is what we can’t eat today. Ash Wednesday is a tradition observed by the pagans and religious alike among us, totally motivated by the desire to lose weight, rarely anything to do with religion. Ash Wednesday means meat is out, along with alcohol, sugar and all things sweet.

There’s nothing like being told you can’t eat something to make you salivate at the thought of it, prompting endless discussions about our favourite foods.

SONY DSC

SONY DSC

I whip out my phone and drag up an article in this morning’s Daily Mail to show the girls ‘Walnuts Make you Skinny’. After much discussion we all agree that the nicest way to eat walnuts is in a Walnut Whip. There are many poor own brand imitations to the Walnut Whip but nothing comes close to the real thing.

One of the girls is giving up cheese. Reminiscing about imposed fasting when we were kids prompts tales of yesteryear when cheese was triangle shaped and came in a round box. Calvita was also a favourite. The ads on TV had a blue eyed blond kid telling us that this over processed tasteless yellow gunge was good for our bones, and we fell for it. Don’t forget Baby Belle, where you get to play with the wax wrapper, moulding it into a football to play with. Ah!! The memories. Calvita on cream crackers…..

imageThe good news is that we can eat Tayto crisps today. Although Tayto is a revered treat, technically it’s allowed as it contains no meat or sugar. In case you’re unaware, Tayto crisps have gained legendary status among the Irish. Emigrants ask their loved ones to send them by the truck load. In fact, no respectable Irish household would be without an emergency packet of Tayto crisps.

‘Thou shalt eat fish on a day of fasting’

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A Domestic Goddess needs sustenance and should never forego the pleasure of eating. To cope with all this deprivation and abstinence I suggest being mindful that there are plenty of delicious foods you can stuff your face with all day long and still avoid sugar and meat in keeping with the rules of fasting.

 

imageMy plan for the day is to compensate by eating lots of crisps (5 packets), copious amounts of coffee, croissants and my favourite – scampi and chips.

Bad Tea Etiquette

05 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

family, food, funny, menopause, midlife, women

Bad tea etiquette – The Difinitive Guide

Cup of teaSocial protocals and the rules of good taste must prevail if like me you aspire to live your life by the principals of Good Tea Etiquette. No God fearing woman of good standing should forget that the art of tea making is a barometer by which she will be judged by all and sundry. Many a woman’s reputation has been made or lost on her ability to make and serve ‘a nice cup of tea’. Rituals surrounding the making of tea are of the utmost importance in polite society. One little Faux Pas and you could find yourself on the next train to Pariahsville.

Rules of Good Tea Etiquette:

  1. A guest to your house must be offered tea before anything else. ‘Will ye have a cup of tea Mary… put the kettle on Mick’ should be the first words spoken before ‘Welcome/How do you do’. Remember the priority here is ensuring that the kettle is on.
  2. Choose porcelain cups, bone china if possible. Never mugs, mugs are solely for the great unwashed.
  3. At breakfast, tea should be served in a breakfast cup which is slightly larger cup than normal. The breakfast cup is strictly for morning tea, never afternoon tea. Serving the wrong cup at the wrong time could result in social exclusion.image
  4. Always allow your guest to add their own milk and sugar. If your guest takes more than two spoonfuls never invite him/her back again. They are out of their depth socially and you can’t risk their inferior habits and poor life choices reflecting badly on you.
  5. Never spill some tea into a saucer and slurp from the saucer. Even if you are living in a gutter or in an underground sewer, standards must be maintained.
  6. Pinkies up! Optional for men but essential for ladies. An angle of 45 degrees from the ring finger with a slight curl of the little finger is preferable.image
  7. Never ever pour milk into the cup before the tea. In order to gauge the correct milkiness of the tea you must add the milk slowly to the poured tea. When it comes to the colour of the tea, nothing less than perfection will do. I recommend #FF6666 if you want the exact pantone reference.
  8. Before proceeding to pour a full cup, always pour a small amount into the cup and check with your guest if the strength is ok. “How’s that for ye Mary – Schtrong enough?” Although the perfect hostess will always know how their guest likes their tea, nevertheless, you must ask. Even though a private investigation may have been carried out in advance to ascertain how a guest likes their tea, you still must ask.
  9. It is permissible to accompany your tea with cucumber sandwiches (only cucumber), on white bread, neatly trimmed and presented on a china plate. Add a little water cress to garnish.
  10. Always offer tea repeatedly to your guest. Don’t take no for an answer. “Gwan,gwan gwan, ye will, ye will, ye will” , sure it’s only a little drop”.image
  11. Once your guest has consumed three quarters of the contents of the cup, you must jump up and immediately offer a ‘top-up’ . Again, this must be offered repeatedly until your guest is beaten into submission. Force may be necessary. Only when your guest has had at least four ‘top-up’s’ can they be considered ‘done’.
  12. It goes without saying, deny all knowledge of ‘foreign’ teas. Oolong, Yellow, Green, Herbal, Roobush exist solely in the tea caddy’s of the terminally naff and would never appear on the shopping list of a lady of good standing.image
  13. You may want to offer refreshments of a stronger variety at this point. “Will ye have t little drop of the gold stuff, the ‘uisce beatha’. It’ll soothe your throat after all that hot tea”. This can be offered regardless of whether there actually is a drop of the gold stuff in the house. The chances are your guest will be dying to get the hell outta Dodge at this point and will decline the offer.

Bad Cheese Etiquette

25 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, Uncategorized

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Tags

Cheese, family, food, funny

Bad Cheese Etiquette…

imageAre you guilty? Ever gone to the fridge to satisify a sudden urge to eat a tasty chunk of mature Cheddar only to find a hard dried up orange brick with green bits around the edge. Or maybe you’ve been salivating over a mental image of your favourite Wensleydale only to find a crumbled mess on the shelf where you left it. Or you go to take a slice of Edam only to find the corners brittle and curling up. Not only has someone moved your cheese but that someone hasn’t wrapped it up properly rendering it inedible. It’s enough to induce a full blown mini mental breakdown. Bad cheese etiquette is something that really makes me angry, really cheeses me off (sorry!)

If you want to live your life by the good cheese etiquette principal I suggest you follow these 7 golden rules:-

  1. Don’t leave a re-sealable pack half open because you couldn’t be bothered to seal it properly.
  2. Don’t butter your bread first then put the same knife back in the Philadelphia tub. It’s disgusting.
  3. Don’t stick your finger in the Philadelphia.
  4. Don’t take the wax Babybel wrapper and roll it into a football shape and play table footie.
  5. Don’t grate it over your pasta at the dinner table leaving a sprinkling of cheese on the tablecloth around your plate. Grate first into a bowl and then sprinkle with a spoon over your dish.image
  6. If you do find green mould on your cheese, don’t scrape it off and leave it back in the fridge for the next unsuspecting victim of your bad cheese etiquette. It may still have some hidden mould. Just because you are gross, doesn’t mean everyone else is. (I know I know you’re going to say cheese is a mould anyway, but you know what I mean). If you are on the verge of starvation and absolutely must cut the mould away to stave off certain death, use a clean knife for each cut to avoid further contamination.
  7. Don’t make silly sculptures with your cheese. Unless you can do a proper job don’t bother.

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