Man flu may be on the increase. This devastating ailment is so much more severe than mere ‘women flu’ that demands are growing for the Government to pour all resources, the entire health budget into research into this debilitating condition.
Does Man Flu / Woman Flu exist?
I’ve recently called on a friend who was feeling a little under the weather. I found her in a sad state, incapable of walking, talking, eating, doing anything really, apart from coughing up a lung, sneezing and generally looking like she was about to expire at any moment.
‘I’m grand, I’ll be fine. Just a dose of the sniffles, nothing a Lemsip won’t sort” she croaked. Clearly it was more than a dose of the sniffles. I watched as she tried to continue ironing bedclothes, determined not to succumb to her affliction. Taking to the bed was not an option.
Is the question not does ‘man flu’ exist but does ‘woman flu’ not exist?
Men quite rightly take to the bed at the first sneeze and insist to anyone who will listen that they have been struck down by Ebola and are close to death. Man Flu Man will take every pill, medicine, pain killer, cough syrup known to mankind, snuggle up under the blankets, stick a thermometer in his mouth for added effect and generally demand extreme mollycoddling. Surrounded by books to while away the hours, tv remote at the ready, stacks of Top Gear magazines, he’ll want to be spoon fed his favourite lemon drizzle cake to keep his strength up.
He may at some point insist on being taken to hospital in full Breaking Bad boiler suit but before that he may call friends and family to say his goodbyes. Other symptoms experienced by Man Flu Man include groaning in agony, night terrors, temporary psychosis and visions of the Archangel Gabrielle.
All perfectly acceptable behaviour in my book. When else can you demand of your loved ones such love and devotion. When it comes to flu, I wish women could be more like men.
The problem isn’t Man Flu but Women who refuse to acknowledge that they have it, flu being the sole preserve of men. Typical ‘woman flu’ symptoms include:
- Doing excessive housework to prove it isn’t happening.
- Repeatedly saying “I’ll be fine, it’s just a slight chill”.
- Repeatedly saying “I haven’t time for this”
- Getting on with your day, ignoring runny nose.
- Pathological fear of idleness. The thought of not being needed will spell the end of civilisation as we know it.
Research by Beechams reveals that female flu lasts 20% longer and has worse symptoms than the male variety.
So, fellow Goddesses, the next time you’re feeling a little under the weather, man up and milk it for all its worth.
- Take to the bed immediately.
- Demand toast and Bovril in bed.
- Say “Can you turn the tv this way and turn off the light, its hurting my eyes”.
- Binge watch The Good Wife.
- Delegate all household chores.
- Request a stash of Walnut Whips be left on your bedside locker.
- Have your loved ones read to you from Good Housekeeping or Marie Claire.
- Insist on cups of tea being produced on the hour every hour.
- Keep this up for at least 5 days.