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NiftyFiftyShades

~ Failed Domestic Goddess

NiftyFiftyShades

Category Archives: work

My First Job

18 Wednesday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Midlife, Personal stuff, work

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Tags

cinema, teenage, women, work

imageOff to town to get a job.  The Green cinema on St. Stephen’s Green, an old Irish institution had a sign ‘Staff Wanted’.  It was a lovely old theatre, the only cinema in town boasting ‘love seats’ – two seater seats for couples.  A family run affair, two sisters despite being octogenarians were still holding the fort.  Mrs. Daly and Miss Noone, both favoured pleated tweed skirts, twinsets and pearls. When it opened its doors it boasted state  of the art technology, some seats equipped with a Fortephone apparatus which enabled patrons suffering from deafness to hear the soundtrack. By the 1980’s it looked a bit tired but that made it all the more appealing.

imageOn a day off school school with my friend Mary, we called one afternoon looking for a job.  Yes, they could take us both on that Saturday evening, but a training day on Friday was necessary to acquaint ourselves with the mysteries of usheretting.  I was apprehensive but Mary fancied the guy in the projector room.. offer duly accepted.

 

 

imageMiss Daly, one of the sibling propieters, handed out torches.  Tooled up, training commenced.   As the complexities of torch holding were explained, it became obvious that there was more to this showing people to their seats business than meets the eye.   ‘Keep the torch low’ Miss Noone commanded, flicking the torch discretely along the aisle’s edge as she walked.  Only after a couple of hours training had we adequately mastered the level of torch holding skills required to be fully fledged usherettes.

image.jpegDespite having to wear a kimono type overall, the sense of empowerment my torch brought made up for it.  ‘This way please’, ‘No smoking in rows 10 to 14’.  I was beginning to enjoy bossing adults about (well I was only 15).  There was a real problem with people buying standard seats trying to get into the premium love seats.  Observation skills and a sharp eye were required to patrol the aisles.  The power could go to your head, ejecting punters attempting to commandeer a love seat without the proper ticket.

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Overly amorous couples in the love seats fell into Mrs Daly’s area of expertise.   ‘Stop that carry on now’ she’d prod some unfortunate spotty teenager in the shoulder with her torch.  This work required a bigger torch than mine.

image.jpegA horror film called “When a Stranger Calls” was showing.  I got to see the first 40 minutes of it each night, but never got to see the happy ending as my shift finished at 10pm.  So I’d watch until I reached a level of terror that turned me to a quivering wreck, but miss the bit at the end where calm is restored and your heart rate returns to normal.   I invariably left the cinema looking over my shoulder.  Once home, too scared to go to sleep  with the light off.

 

 

 

image.jpegWe worked there for the Summer and left when school started back in September.  Mary went off the projector guy anyway.

Heels vs Flats

16 Monday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Fashion, Uncategorized, work

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

equality, Fashion, Shoes, work

imageWell done Nicola Thorpe.  A brave woman to take on her employers after being sent home for not wearing heels.   She was assigned by a London temping agency to work as a receptionist for PriceWaterhouseCooper, but was instead sent home without pay.  Her flat heels fell short of what was considered acceptable.

image.jpegHas the world gone completely mad?.   I’m glad to see that her idiotic employers have got their comeuppance.  Nicola set up an online petition which has now exceeded 120,000 and has forced her employers Portico to back down.

Heels weren’t the only thing on this arcaic menu of requirements. The thickness of tights also!!  Whiskey Tango Foxtrot!  Have the people at Portico been watching too much Mad Men.

“Tights of no more than 15/20 denier and makeup to consist as a minimum of: light blusher, lipstick or tinted gloss, mascara, eye shadow” Nail polish also gets a mention, green is out but plum is ok.

imageI suggest you dig out your old granny boots and thick woolly tights in solidarity.  Maybe a step too far but I am wearing my flats today at least.

Ironically, PWC have a blog about equality in the workplace.

 

If you want to wear high heels go right ahead, but what kind of illness of the mind would cause anyone to insist on inflicting pain and suffering on their female employees. If you are on your feet all day, escorting business clients to meetings as Nicola would have been then high heels are just plain cruel.

What is wrong with wearing flats anyway?  I can only deduce that her employers value shapely legs over professionalism.    You may be clever, professional, efficient, hardworking, but why bother.  When it comes to being valued in the workplace these qualities trail behind sexy legs it would appear.

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So fellow Goddesses, if you’re on your feet all day, don’t compromise on comfort and definitely don’t allow anyone else the power to dictate what you wear on your feet.

Some reasons why flats are the better option – bunions..crushed toes…foot deformities…numbness…blisters…degenerative joint disease… shortened calf muscles…ankle injuries…back pain…osteoarthritis…lumpy bony protrusions…corns…

Would these pass the test……

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Bad Office Etiquette

29 Tuesday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Etiquette, Humour, lifestyle, work

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Etiquette, funny, midlife, women, work

imageThere is a kitchen area in work, just to the side of the large open plan office. On the counter top, you always find sundries, a large box of free fruit which is delivered daily, tea , coffee, sugar etc., charity collection boxes and occasionally, people leave free things. Magazines they’ve read, maybe a book or some such thing.

Last week, someone left a free nasal spray. It had a yellow sticker beside it saying ‘free – help yourself’. Not a new unused spray in a box, but a half used nasal spray. The questionable hygiene habits of some of my colleagues has always perplexed me, but a pre-loved nasal spray?? Who could have imagined such generosity existed in our midst.

Since then, the good people I work with have embraced this notion of sharing half used items. Yesterday morning, a half chewed packet of Halls menthol lozenges appeared, with the obligatory ‘free – help yourself – use sensibly’.  In the afternoon, a half packet of tissues (actually cut in half).

What started out as a kind gesture, however questionable by the mystery nasal spray doner, has turned into an epic free for all of sharing half consumed items. I’ve decided to join in the frenzy of caring and sharing. My dilemma, I can’t decide whether to leave half a Q-tip or some left over corn plasters.

 

Office etiquette, the do’s and dont’s may be tricky to navigate. Riddled with pitfalls, office etiquette can see a perfectly nice day descend into nightmare.

I think it’s time to reveal Nifty’s guide to surviving the office.

When the CEO deigns to visit your office, hang on his every word nodding in agreement.  Bask in the glow of his greatness, in manner of North Korean peasant in the presence of Kim Jong Un.  Long may his wisdom continue to shine a light on your life. Flattery will get you everywhere including that next promotion.

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Never chew gum.  Ghastly habit.  May lead to blowing bubbles and therefore the complete disintegration of civilised society.

 

 

 

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Practice extreme health and safety. Insist on wearing protective goggles when using a stapler, a punch or indeed any office accoutrements.

 

 

funny-personalhygiene1Personal hygiene is of the utmost importance.  If a colleague has his/her own personal pungent fragrance, he/she must be told in no uncertain terms to wash.

 

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You may need to send an anonymous Deodorgram.  Have a message included with the gift, the most popular one is (according to the manufacturers)“You’ve always been such a cute little stinker, now you can just be cute and little! Please enjoy this hard working natural deodorant sent to you from a caring friend”.

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Do not put used coffee beans down the kitchen sink. This caused enormous problems in our office building, leading to what we now commonly refer to as ‘the great smell of 2014’.

Avoid sleezy comments. “Come into my office Miss Jones, I need you to take something down”.  The use of the double entendre is perfectly acceptable at smart dinner parties, but knowing when to use shows nuance and versatility.

imageEnsure your desk is a disorganised mess.  Colleagues will fear cross contamination and leave you in peace.

 

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Always dress impeccably, casual Friday is all very well for the great unwashed, but to a domestic Goddess it means donning your Hermes scarf and Jimmy Choos.   Remember, you are of a higher station, an inspiration to all and standards must be maintained.

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Ensure the intern understands the pecking order.

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Wanted: Skinny Mirror

11 Thursday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Beauty, Hair, Humour, Midlife, Uncategorized, work

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Tags

Beauty, funny, midlife, women, work

I need a new mirror, one that lies.

imageGetting into the lift this morning, I looked particularly bedraggled as I viewed my reflection in the full length mirror facing me. This mirror is my nemesis. Enter this lift at your peril. No matter what efforts I make to look half decent, the mirror tells the same story.

Not just me, every woman in the office hates it. The lighting gives a strange liverish pallor to all and sundry. Too much reality first thing in the morning.

My grooming routine consists of a slap-on of foundation and a dab of lippy. In my dimly lit hall mirror I look reasonably acceptable, blissfully unaware of reality. But enter the lift, and all illusion of vanity is removed. This mirror is a crime against humanity. It shows every little line and blemish and manages to give a cadaver like appearance.

imageRecently the boss asked us for suggestions to make our work place better, a think tank of sorts. Ideas to generate additional revenue or save on expenditure. We were all expected to come up with at least one suggestion. I gave it my full consideration and came up with this. I suggested replacing the mirror in the lift. Replace it with one like the ones in clothes boutiques that make you look both skinny and tanned at the same time. Every woman knows about them. How many times have I bought a dress or a pair of jeans that looked fabulous in the shop, only to get home to find that my lumpy arse still looks feckin lumpy.

My thinking was that all the women in the office would start the day feeling confident and happier in the knowledge that they look fabulous, resulting in greater productivity, a more resourceful fruitful workforce…. Clients visiting the office would feel welcomed and assured when greeted by a better more comely reflection of themselves. A happy client is our main goal, right?

imageI was outraged to learn that not only did my suggestion not receive the full consideration it deserved that it was in fact was met with derision.

Reasons to love a mirror that lies.

  • Makes you feel fabulous, resulting in a more cheerful disposition.
  • Makes you feel skinny, resulting in a more cheerful disposition.
  • Makes you feel sexy , resulting in a more cheerful disposition.
  • Makes you look tanned, resulting in a more cheerful disposition.

What’s not to love?

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Read about my failings as I muddle through midlife

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