If you’re thinking of moving to LA anytime soon, you need to get with the program. LA based Amanda Chantal Bacon owns Moon Juice, a juice and nut milk shop. She has a ‘copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea’ every morning. Last year she wrote a food diary for Elle which went viral.
“At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to school drop off, drink it in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity and libido boosting powers of Bran Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca snd Shilajit resin. I throw in some ho shou wu and pearl as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three Quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy”. Source –Jay Rayner /Twitter
If that isn’t enough to put you off your cornflakes…I did some digging of my own and found plenty of similarly ludicrous food fads to make you feel inadequate.
Astrologically farmed eggs – That is, eggs that are laid at a certain time to coincide with cycles of the moon. Apparently they are tastier they have ‘bright sunset yellow’ yokes. This also comes under the heading of Biodynamic Farming, or bonkers farming to you and me, which advocates planting, cultivating and harvesting crops based on moon phases.
Bog Butter – A farmer in County Cavan has found a large knob of butter. Why has this made global headlines. Because it’s not just any old butter but 2000 year old bog butter buried by our forefathers and preserved in a bog. Now lauded as a wonder food, much sought after due to its rarity. According to scientists, bog butter provides additional peat infused nutrients. It has a waxy texture and smells of cheese. Will we read next of Russian oligarchs shelling out millions for it? One woman’s forward planning I found amusing, she intends to turn her breast milk into butter and bury it in the Bog of Allen, so that some archaeologist will dig it up and tuck into it in a couple of hundred years time.
Quinoa – never eat anything you can’t pronounce. Deeply unpleasant glue like grain. The unpalatable truth is that poor Bolivians can no longer afford it due to soaring western demand.
Activated cashews – if you must have ‘bio-available’ nuts.
From ‘Nourishing Traditions’ by Sally Fallon
How to activate your nuts…
- Dissolve salt in enough water to cover the amount of nuts/seeds you are activating.
- In a large bowl place your nut or seed of choice.
- Cover with the salt water solution.
- Soak for the required number of hours.
- Strain and rinse the nuts.
- Spread over a dehydrator rack, or baking tray.
- Dry in the dehydrator for around 12-24 hours.
- If drying in the oven, set the oven at the lowest temperature possible, preferably no more than 65C. Stir or turn them occasionally, for the required drying time.
- And the result? A crunchy, delicious, totally bio-available and stress-free, nuts.
Watermelon spiked with gin – Maybe this one is not so ludicrous. Cut a hole into the watermelon that is deep enough to pour in a large helping of your favourite tipple. Leave overnight and serve the next day.
Horray!! Summer has arrived. Time to delve into the dark corners of the garage and haul out the bbq, (which gets little use in Ireland I might add). Time for my man to shine. I may be capable of turning out the odd gourmet delights in my role as head chef in our household but lets face it, how could I possibly know anything about barbequing, being a mere woman. No, the barbeque is the mans domain, we all know that BBQ’s are powered not by coal, but testosterone.
First task, remove cobwebs and lift lid to reveal last years ash and grime. Remove any congealed crumbs or rotten meat the result of having been stashed away last year in an unclean state. Obviously this is the woman’s responsibility. Cleaning the BBQ is not manly work. A good half hour vigorous scrub of the grill and we are ready to rock.
Buying the food, this is obviously the woman’s job. Supermarket shopping is not manly work. The meat may need preparation by the woman first. The woman may be assigned other lowly tasks, like tossing the salad, making dips, setting out cutlery, tables, napkins, glasses etc. The meat should be set out on the tray beside the bbq in preparation for the manly spectacle of placing the meat on the grill.
Drinks in the form of beer should be provided to the man. The woman should ensure that the fridge is stocked with cold beverages as obviously this is thirsty work for the man.
Admiration for the manly work being done. While he dons his black apron, brandishing his tongs, pause for a moment to behold this vision of manly lovliness.
The highly technical precision turning of the burgers, the careful examination of the sausage, all essential requirements to ensure even browning. In the end to ensure no breaches of health and safety, he will make the decision to burn the bejasus out of everything.
Finally, the momentous eating of the by now beyond recognition cremated meat. Loud noises of approval all round. The woman may announce loudly to everyone what a treasure her man is, to nods of approval all round.
I’ve just discovered the earth shattering truth that whole milk is less fattening than the skimmed variety. Something to do with the way sugars are absorbed. All these years of deprivation for nothing. In light of this revelation I may even change my morning Americano for a Latte. This seismic change to my routine makes me question everything. After all, your choice of coffee speaks volumes about who you are.
You are deeply shallow. You probably also like to wear labels emblazoned across your chest. FCUK t-shirts and Burbury handbags. If you are travelling in Italy, never order a cappachino in the afternoon. This is exclusively a morning beverage, and drinking it at any other time would be considered both ignorant and tacky. According to research carried out by the Irish Coffee Council, you are a people pleaser. However, the upside is that shallowness is not necessarily a personality flaw. Being of a shallow disposition myself, I cannot cast aspersions on those of you who are like minded.
The manly kind of coffee. You like to hit your woman over the head with a club and drag her back to your den to make your espresso for you. If you are a straight woman ordering a tripple espresso, you may want question your sexuality.
The type favoured by tradesmen. A mug of Nescafe and an all-day breakfast roll is your only man.
You are the cautious, pragmatic type. A deep fear of foam moustaches prevents you from ordering what you really want, a Frappuccino.
Decaf lovers are subversives. They like nothing more than a good protest. Can been marching with placards saying ‘Down with that sort of thing’. Along with vegans and fruitarians, the decaf brigade should be rounded up and transported to Van Demons land for crimes against civilised society.
Olive oil. I won’t bore you with the science but apparently it’s hugely beneficial to the health of my arteries, but only when used cold, not in cooking. So I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.
I’m starting to notice a change in the tightness of my clothes. I rush to the bathroom scales. Nooooo..This is not what I signed up for. Walnut oil is meant to be skinny making not fat making.
Its Ash Wednesday, the first day of lent, the day a Domestic Goddess must insist is a day of fasting.
The good news is that we can eat Tayto crisps today. Although Tayto is a revered treat, technically it’s allowed as it contains no meat or sugar. In case you’re unaware, Tayto crisps have gained legendary status among the Irish. Emigrants ask their loved ones to send them by the truck load. In fact, no respectable Irish household would be without an emergency packet of Tayto crisps.
My plan for the day is to compensate by eating lots of crisps (5 packets), copious amounts of coffee, croissants and my favourite – scampi and chips.
Social protocals and the rules of good taste must prevail if like me you aspire to live your life by the principals of Good Tea Etiquette. No God fearing woman of good standing should forget that the art of tea making is a barometer by which she will be judged by all and sundry. Many a woman’s reputation has been made or lost on her ability to make and serve ‘a nice cup of tea’. Rituals surrounding the making of tea are of the utmost importance in polite society. One little Faux Pas and you could find yourself on the next train to Pariahsville.
Are you guilty? Ever gone to the fridge to satisify a sudden urge to eat a tasty chunk of mature Cheddar only to find a hard dried up orange brick with green bits around the edge. Or maybe you’ve been salivating over a mental image of your favourite Wensleydale only to find a crumbled mess on the shelf where you left it. Or you go to take a slice of Edam only to find the corners brittle and curling up. Not only has someone moved your cheese but that someone hasn’t wrapped it up properly rendering it inedible. It’s enough to induce a full blown mini mental breakdown. Bad cheese etiquette is something that really makes me angry, really cheeses me off (sorry!)
Can cooking liver lead to marital discord??