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~ Failed Domestic Goddess

NiftyFiftyShades

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Bonkers Food

23 Thursday Jun 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, lifestyle, Uncategorized

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food, funny

imageIf you’re thinking of moving to LA anytime soon, you need to get with the program. LA based Amanda Chantal Bacon owns Moon Juice, a juice and nut milk shop.  She has a ‘copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea’ every morning.  Last year she wrote a food diary for Elle which went viral.

“At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to school drop off, drink it in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity and libido boosting powers of Bran Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca snd Shilajit resin. I throw in some ho shou wu and pearl as part of my beauty regime.  I chase it with three Quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy”.   Source –Jay Rayner /Twitter

 

If that isn’t enough to put you off your cornflakes…I did some digging of my own and found plenty of similarly ludicrous food fads to make you feel inadequate.

imageAstrologically farmed eggs – That is, eggs that are laid at a certain time to coincide with cycles of the moon. Apparently they are tastier they have ‘bright sunset yellow’ yokes.  This also comes under the heading of Biodynamic Farming, or bonkers farming to you and me, which advocates planting, cultivating and harvesting crops based on moon phases.

image.jpegBog Butter – A farmer in County Cavan has found a large knob of butter. Why has this made global headlines.  Because it’s not just any old butter but 2000 year old bog butter buried by our forefathers and  preserved in a bog.  Now lauded as a wonder food, much sought after due to its rarity.   According to scientists, bog butter provides additional peat infused nutrients. It has a waxy texture and smells of cheese.   Will we read next of Russian oligarchs shelling out millions for it?  One woman’s forward planning I found amusing,  she intends to turn her breast milk into butter and bury it in the Bog of Allen, so that some archaeologist will dig it up and tuck into it in a couple of hundred years time.

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Quinoa – never eat anything you can’t pronounce. Deeply unpleasant glue like grain.  The unpalatable truth is that poor Bolivians can no longer afford it due to soaring western demand.

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imageActivated cashews – if you must have ‘bio-available’ nuts.

From  ‘Nourishing Traditions’ by Sally Fallon

How to activate your nuts…

  1. Dissolve salt in enough water to cover the amount of nuts/seeds you are activating.
  2. In a large bowl place your nut or seed of choice.
  3. Cover with the salt water solution.
  4. Soak for the required number of hours.
  5. Strain and rinse the nuts.
  6. Spread over a dehydrator rack, or baking tray.
  7. Dry in the dehydrator for around 12-24 hours.
  8. If drying in the oven, set the oven at the lowest temperature possible, preferably no more than 65C. Stir or turn them occasionally, for the required drying time.
  9. And the result? A crunchy, delicious, totally bio-available and stress-free, nuts.

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Watermelon spiked with gin – Maybe this one is not so ludicrous.  Cut a hole into the watermelon that is deep enough to pour in a large helping of your favourite tipple. Leave overnight and serve the next day.

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BBQ Heaven or Griller Warfare?

31 Tuesday May 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, lifestyle, Uncategorized

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Tags

Bbq, family, food, funny, women

image.jpegHorray!!  Summer has arrived.  Time to delve into the dark corners of the garage and haul out the bbq, (which gets little use in Ireland I might add).  Time for my man to shine.  I may be capable of turning out the odd gourmet delights in my role as head chef in our household but lets face it, how could I possibly know anything about barbequing, being a mere woman.  No, the barbeque is the mans domain, we all know that BBQ’s are powered not by coal, but testosterone.

imageFirst task, remove cobwebs and lift lid to reveal last years ash and grime. Remove any congealed crumbs or rotten meat the result of having  been stashed away last year in an unclean state. Obviously this is the woman’s responsibility.  Cleaning the BBQ is not manly work. A good half hour vigorous scrub of the grill and we are ready to rock.

image.jpegBuying the food, this is obviously the woman’s job.  Supermarket shopping is not manly work.  The meat may need preparation by the woman  first.  The woman may be assigned other lowly tasks, like tossing the salad, making dips, setting out cutlery, tables, napkins, glasses etc.  The meat should be set out on the tray beside the bbq in preparation for the manly spectacle of placing the meat on the grill.

imageDrinks in the form of beer should be provided to the man.   The woman should ensure that the fridge is stocked with cold beverages as obviously this is thirsty work for the man.

 

 

 

 

 

image.jpegAdmiration for the manly work being done.  While he dons his black apron, brandishing his tongs, pause for a moment to behold this vision of manly lovliness.

imageThe highly technical precision turning of the burgers, the careful examination of the sausage, all essential requirements to ensure even browning.  In the end to ensure no breaches of health and safety, he will make the decision to burn the bejasus out of everything.

 

 

image.jpegFinally, the momentous eating of the by now beyond recognition cremated meat.  Loud noises of approval all round.  The woman may announce loudly to everyone what a treasure her man is, to nods of approval all round.

 

I wonder who gets to clean up afterwards?

 

What Your Coffee Says About You

03 Thursday Mar 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, Uncategorized

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

Coffee, food, funny, midlife, women

imageI’ve just discovered the earth shattering truth that whole milk is less fattening than the skimmed variety. Something to do with the way sugars are absorbed. All these years of deprivation for nothing. In light of this revelation I may even change my morning Americano for a Latte. This seismic change to my routine makes me question everything. After all, your choice of coffee speaks volumes about who you are.

What your coffee says about you.

Cappachino

imageYou are deeply shallow. You probably also like to wear labels emblazoned across your chest. FCUK t-shirts and Burbury handbags. If you are travelling in Italy, never order a cappachino in the afternoon. This is exclusively a morning beverage, and drinking it at any other time would be considered both ignorant and tacky. According to research carried out by the Irish Coffee Council, you are a people pleaser. However, the upside is that shallowness is not necessarily a personality flaw. Being of a shallow disposition myself, I cannot cast aspersions on those of you who are like minded.

Tripple Espresso.

imageThe manly kind of coffee. You like to hit your woman over the head with a club and drag her back to your den to make your espresso for you. If you are a straight woman ordering a tripple espresso, you may want question your sexuality.

Instant Coffee.

image.pngThe type favoured by tradesmen. A mug of Nescafe and an all-day breakfast roll is your only man.

 

 

Cup of coffee.

What’s that? The cup of coffee officially became extinct in 1974. A pensioner in a coffee shop could be forgiven for thinking that he’s been transported to a foreign land. The Eastern European barista (bless him) doesn’t understand what a cup of coffee is, he’s way too young to remember and anyway it’s not on the board. The pensioner thinks the Frappuchino and the Macchiato are something performed on Strictly Come Dancing.

Skinny Latte.

The sole preserve of the yummy mummy. You like to get a skinny latte to go, sipping it in your Land Rover while waiting for the kids to come out of school.

Americano.

imageYou are the cautious, pragmatic type. A deep fear of foam moustaches prevents you from ordering what you really want, a Frappuccino.

 

 

Decaf.

imageDecaf lovers are subversives. They like nothing more than a good protest. Can been marching with placards saying ‘Down with that sort of thing’. Along with vegans and fruitarians, the decaf brigade should be rounded up and transported to Van Demons land for crimes against civilised society.

Macchiato.

You place style above substance. The macchiato is enjoyed by hipsters and the terminally naff alike. You may actually prefer a nice cup of tea but that wouldn’t fit well with your image.

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Walnut Oil. I am The Queen of Drizzle

12 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Health, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

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food, funny, Health, lifestyle, midlife, women

imageOlive oil.  I won’t bore you with the science but apparently it’s hugely beneficial to the health of my arteries, but only when used cold, not in cooking.  So I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.

Meanwhile, seeking out a  good quality oil in my local deli, I noticed Walnut oil on the shelf.  A quick Google informed me that walnut oil leaves olive oil in the halfpenny place when it comes to health.  As I mentioned in a previous blog, walnuts make you skinny.  Skinny and healthy, well what can a girl do but buy a truck load of it.  I decide I’m replacing butter with walnut oil.

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Day 1.

My breakfast is a honey spelt roll at my desk.  I replace the butter with walnut oil.  It actually tastes delicious.  Never mind that a strange smell wafts around the vicinity of my desk.  Never mind that I have oil stains on my blouse or that my phone is slipping out of my hands.  I feel  joyous, proud, elated that I’ve take the first step to a healthy lifestyle.  I eye my less informed colleagues eating their croissants with an equal measure of disdain and pity.

Lunch is a salad of avocado, peppers, rocket tomato and of course, lashings of walnut oil… I’m getting healthier by the minute.  I can feel my arteries unblocking with every mouthful.  It tastes delicious, I have second helpings.

At home, I decide to have some walnut oil tapenade to tide me over while cooking dinner, a stir fry with yes, more walnut oil. I am the queen of drizzle.

Day 2

Breakfast and lunch same as day one.

Dinner:  Walnut salad with grilled mackerel, with a little walnut oil drizzled on top.

Day 3

Breakfast and lunch same as day one.

Dinner: Broccolli and scallops a la walnut oil.

Day 4

fat woman with pie on weight scaleI’m starting to notice a change in the tightness of my clothes.   I rush to the bathroom scales.  Nooooo..This is not what I signed up for.  Walnut oil is meant to be skinny making not fat making.

On closer inspection, I see that the calories in one bottle of walnut oil could nourish a small nation.

From one Domestic Goddess to another, take heed, never watch shows that involve doctors telling you what to eat.

“Croissants anyone?”

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Lent and Walnut Whips

10 Wednesday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, Midlife, Uncategorized

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food, midlife, work

imageIts Ash Wednesday, the first day of lent, the day a Domestic Goddess must insist is a day of fasting.

I arrive in work and the first topic of conversation is what we can’t eat today. Ash Wednesday is a tradition observed by the pagans and religious alike among us, totally motivated by the desire to lose weight, rarely anything to do with religion. Ash Wednesday means meat is out, along with alcohol, sugar and all things sweet.

There’s nothing like being told you can’t eat something to make you salivate at the thought of it, prompting endless discussions about our favourite foods.

SONY DSC

SONY DSC

I whip out my phone and drag up an article in this morning’s Daily Mail to show the girls ‘Walnuts Make you Skinny’. After much discussion we all agree that the nicest way to eat walnuts is in a Walnut Whip. There are many poor own brand imitations to the Walnut Whip but nothing comes close to the real thing.

One of the girls is giving up cheese. Reminiscing about imposed fasting when we were kids prompts tales of yesteryear when cheese was triangle shaped and came in a round box. Calvita was also a favourite. The ads on TV had a blue eyed blond kid telling us that this over processed tasteless yellow gunge was good for our bones, and we fell for it. Don’t forget Baby Belle, where you get to play with the wax wrapper, moulding it into a football to play with. Ah!! The memories. Calvita on cream crackers…..

imageThe good news is that we can eat Tayto crisps today. Although Tayto is a revered treat, technically it’s allowed as it contains no meat or sugar. In case you’re unaware, Tayto crisps have gained legendary status among the Irish. Emigrants ask their loved ones to send them by the truck load. In fact, no respectable Irish household would be without an emergency packet of Tayto crisps.

‘Thou shalt eat fish on a day of fasting’

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A Domestic Goddess needs sustenance and should never forego the pleasure of eating. To cope with all this deprivation and abstinence I suggest being mindful that there are plenty of delicious foods you can stuff your face with all day long and still avoid sugar and meat in keeping with the rules of fasting.

 

imageMy plan for the day is to compensate by eating lots of crisps (5 packets), copious amounts of coffee, croissants and my favourite – scampi and chips.

Bad Tea Etiquette

05 Friday Feb 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, lifestyle, Midlife, Uncategorized

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

family, food, funny, menopause, midlife, women

Bad tea etiquette – The Difinitive Guide

Cup of teaSocial protocals and the rules of good taste must prevail if like me you aspire to live your life by the principals of Good Tea Etiquette. No God fearing woman of good standing should forget that the art of tea making is a barometer by which she will be judged by all and sundry. Many a woman’s reputation has been made or lost on her ability to make and serve ‘a nice cup of tea’. Rituals surrounding the making of tea are of the utmost importance in polite society. One little Faux Pas and you could find yourself on the next train to Pariahsville.

Rules of Good Tea Etiquette:

  1. A guest to your house must be offered tea before anything else. ‘Will ye have a cup of tea Mary… put the kettle on Mick’ should be the first words spoken before ‘Welcome/How do you do’. Remember the priority here is ensuring that the kettle is on.
  2. Choose porcelain cups, bone china if possible. Never mugs, mugs are solely for the great unwashed.
  3. At breakfast, tea should be served in a breakfast cup which is slightly larger cup than normal. The breakfast cup is strictly for morning tea, never afternoon tea. Serving the wrong cup at the wrong time could result in social exclusion.image
  4. Always allow your guest to add their own milk and sugar. If your guest takes more than two spoonfuls never invite him/her back again. They are out of their depth socially and you can’t risk their inferior habits and poor life choices reflecting badly on you.
  5. Never spill some tea into a saucer and slurp from the saucer. Even if you are living in a gutter or in an underground sewer, standards must be maintained.
  6. Pinkies up! Optional for men but essential for ladies. An angle of 45 degrees from the ring finger with a slight curl of the little finger is preferable.image
  7. Never ever pour milk into the cup before the tea. In order to gauge the correct milkiness of the tea you must add the milk slowly to the poured tea. When it comes to the colour of the tea, nothing less than perfection will do. I recommend #FF6666 if you want the exact pantone reference.
  8. Before proceeding to pour a full cup, always pour a small amount into the cup and check with your guest if the strength is ok. “How’s that for ye Mary – Schtrong enough?” Although the perfect hostess will always know how their guest likes their tea, nevertheless, you must ask. Even though a private investigation may have been carried out in advance to ascertain how a guest likes their tea, you still must ask.
  9. It is permissible to accompany your tea with cucumber sandwiches (only cucumber), on white bread, neatly trimmed and presented on a china plate. Add a little water cress to garnish.
  10. Always offer tea repeatedly to your guest. Don’t take no for an answer. “Gwan,gwan gwan, ye will, ye will, ye will” , sure it’s only a little drop”.image
  11. Once your guest has consumed three quarters of the contents of the cup, you must jump up and immediately offer a ‘top-up’ . Again, this must be offered repeatedly until your guest is beaten into submission. Force may be necessary. Only when your guest has had at least four ‘top-up’s’ can they be considered ‘done’.
  12. It goes without saying, deny all knowledge of ‘foreign’ teas. Oolong, Yellow, Green, Herbal, Roobush exist solely in the tea caddy’s of the terminally naff and would never appear on the shopping list of a lady of good standing.image
  13. You may want to offer refreshments of a stronger variety at this point. “Will ye have t little drop of the gold stuff, the ‘uisce beatha’. It’ll soothe your throat after all that hot tea”. This can be offered regardless of whether there actually is a drop of the gold stuff in the house. The chances are your guest will be dying to get the hell outta Dodge at this point and will decline the offer.

Bad Cheese Etiquette

25 Monday Jan 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in food, Humour, Uncategorized

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Cheese, family, food, funny

Bad Cheese Etiquette…

imageAre you guilty? Ever gone to the fridge to satisify a sudden urge to eat a tasty chunk of mature Cheddar only to find a hard dried up orange brick with green bits around the edge. Or maybe you’ve been salivating over a mental image of your favourite Wensleydale only to find a crumbled mess on the shelf where you left it. Or you go to take a slice of Edam only to find the corners brittle and curling up. Not only has someone moved your cheese but that someone hasn’t wrapped it up properly rendering it inedible. It’s enough to induce a full blown mini mental breakdown. Bad cheese etiquette is something that really makes me angry, really cheeses me off (sorry!)

If you want to live your life by the good cheese etiquette principal I suggest you follow these 7 golden rules:-

  1. Don’t leave a re-sealable pack half open because you couldn’t be bothered to seal it properly.
  2. Don’t butter your bread first then put the same knife back in the Philadelphia tub. It’s disgusting.
  3. Don’t stick your finger in the Philadelphia.
  4. Don’t take the wax Babybel wrapper and roll it into a football shape and play table footie.
  5. Don’t grate it over your pasta at the dinner table leaving a sprinkling of cheese on the tablecloth around your plate. Grate first into a bowl and then sprinkle with a spoon over your dish.image
  6. If you do find green mould on your cheese, don’t scrape it off and leave it back in the fridge for the next unsuspecting victim of your bad cheese etiquette. It may still have some hidden mould. Just because you are gross, doesn’t mean everyone else is. (I know I know you’re going to say cheese is a mould anyway, but you know what I mean). If you are on the verge of starvation and absolutely must cut the mould away to stave off certain death, use a clean knife for each cut to avoid further contamination.
  7. Don’t make silly sculptures with your cheese. Unless you can do a proper job don’t bother.

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Does cooking liver lead to marital discord?

05 Tuesday Jan 2016

Posted by niftyfiftyshades in Humour, Uncategorized

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family, food, kids, parenting, teenagers, women

image.jpegCan cooking liver lead to marital discord??
I smell something cooking, but can’t quite identify what the smell is but its something I haven’t smelt in yonks. WTF. It’s not liver??. My son is standing there frying liver on the pan. Holy shit!

On quizzing him, it appears that liver is full of micro nutrients, low fat, high protein super duper mega meat. I shake my head in wonderment. “The world is gone mad.. Aren’t teenagers meant to be eating crap all the time, not protein shakes, aloe vera juice and goji berries sprinkled on quinoa”.

I can’t help thinking back to the last time liver was cooked in our house many many years ago.

Firstly, let me explain, when I was a small kid, my mother regularly cooked things like ‘stuffed baked liver and bacon’ or lamb shanks. We liked it back then. Then we left home and over time our sophisticated palettes could no longer stomach such peasant food. We wiped it from our memory and it never existed. The thought of it now would be enough to induce projectile vomit. Move forward a decade, and I have my own little toddlers. I worried that they looked pale, not getting enough iron, minerals, vitamins. One day I decide to buy some liver from the butchers. Genuinely retching at having to handle the slimey stuff, I manage to hold it together enough to cook it and serve it up to the boys for dinner ( smothered in tomato ketchup and Chef brown sauce to disguise the taste).

‘What is it mam?’ asks my eldest poking it with his fork.

‘Its very expensive steak, only available from Fallon and Byrne’s food hall”. Not sure if they’re buying it, I add “ You’re very lucky to have this for dinner as its usually only sold to members of the royal family”. This does the trick. To my astonishment, they polish off the lot. Yes!! Result! I’m so clever. I’m an Earth mother providing nourishment for my babies. I can’t wait to tell Himself when he comes home. He’ll be so proud of his clever wife.

Er no!! To say he was horrified is the understatement of the feckin century. “You’re.. you’re devious” he accused, pointing his shaky finger at the empty plate. “That’s child abuse” The look of pure disgust on his face left me unsure whether our marriage would survive such a monumentally deceitful act as the one I had perpetrated… In fairness, I’ve done much worse, just never got caught.

Ah yes, happy memories…
“Don’t let your father see you cooking that, he’ll have a canary”.

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