Can cooking liver lead to marital discord??
I smell something cooking, but can’t quite identify what the smell is but its something I haven’t smelt in yonks. WTF. It’s not liver??. My son is standing there frying liver on the pan. Holy shit!
On quizzing him, it appears that liver is full of micro nutrients, low fat, high protein super duper mega meat. I shake my head in wonderment. “The world is gone mad.. Aren’t teenagers meant to be eating crap all the time, not protein shakes, aloe vera juice and goji berries sprinkled on quinoa”.
I can’t help thinking back to the last time liver was cooked in our house many many years ago.
Firstly, let me explain, when I was a small kid, my mother regularly cooked things like ‘stuffed baked liver and bacon’ or lamb shanks. We liked it back then. Then we left home and over time our sophisticated palettes could no longer stomach such peasant food. We wiped it from our memory and it never existed. The thought of it now would be enough to induce projectile vomit. Move forward a decade, and I have my own little toddlers. I worried that they looked pale, not getting enough iron, minerals, vitamins. One day I decide to buy some liver from the butchers. Genuinely retching at having to handle the slimey stuff, I manage to hold it together enough to cook it and serve it up to the boys for dinner ( smothered in tomato ketchup and Chef brown sauce to disguise the taste).
‘What is it mam?’ asks my eldest poking it with his fork.
‘Its very expensive steak, only available from Fallon and Byrne’s food hall”. Not sure if they’re buying it, I add “ You’re very lucky to have this for dinner as its usually only sold to members of the royal family”. This does the trick. To my astonishment, they polish off the lot. Yes!! Result! I’m so clever. I’m an Earth mother providing nourishment for my babies. I can’t wait to tell Himself when he comes home. He’ll be so proud of his clever wife.
Er no!! To say he was horrified is the understatement of the feckin century. “You’re.. you’re devious” he accused, pointing his shaky finger at the empty plate. “That’s child abuse” The look of pure disgust on his face left me unsure whether our marriage would survive such a monumentally deceitful act as the one I had perpetrated… In fairness, I’ve done much worse, just never got caught.
Ah yes, happy memories…
“Don’t let your father see you cooking that, he’ll have a canary”.