A friend of mine recently posed the question. Should women of a certain age ditch the silky smalls and embrace Spanx on a full time basis?
With a family wedding approaching I must use whatever means of deception available to me to ensure smooth lines. While I’m a great proponent of the big Bridget Jones knickers (my secrets out) I find I’ve reached the stage where I need to progress to something stronger. I intend taking myself into Brown Thomas’s to seek out some industrial strength elastic.
For the uninitiated, let me guide you through The Six Stages of Spanx.
- The Decision: Will I won’t I? Weighing up the pros and cons. If you find that your cellulite is visible through thick skirts, or your posterior resembles a lumpy loot bag, well I guess the answer is yes. But then again, you are quite fond of breathing, and would like to continue to breath in the future. The thing is, although they look awful, the latest hi-tech engineered fabric prevents all lumps and bumps from showing through even the flimsiest of clothing. The resulting svelte outline a joy to behold. They make a Primark dress look like Dior (I may be exaggerating a little). Regardless of whether you are overweight or not, we can all benefit from a smooth sleek silhouette. Never mind what you look like underneath, never mind that you will sweat, blister, feel like a stuffed sausage and cease to breath. Pay no heed to the fact that your organs are being squashed or that your legs are numb. These crucial side effects will be duly ignored in the debate. Should you embrace your inner Bridget Jones? You will decide that the answer is YES. Don’t imagine you’d get a look in with the likes of Mark Darcy with an arse the size of small country.
- Choosing: Beware of some classic mistakes. Never wear the long cycling short type under trousers. The legs roll up and look unsightly. Never try to overdo it. If you are size 14 don’t buy size 10 determined to squeeze into them. You might succeed in getting them on, but like a biological game of musical chairs, the unwanted wobbly bits have to go somewhere, usually up. You could end up with an unsightly double chin, or an extra pair of boobs. Also bear in mind that they have to come off at some point. Remember what happened to the style icon herself, Bridget Jones. She wore a corset that rolled up at the both top and bottom, resulting in a perfect not so little roll around the middle.
- The Religious Experience: Spanx are a gift from God. Once a devotee, you may never leave home without them again. Spanx worship is a common phenomena.
- The Secret: No bungee jumping, rock climbing, foxtrotting, breathing normally. No one must know you are wearing them. Life must be put on hold to prevent a glimpse of your hidden elastic. No one must suspect your addiction to it.
- Admission: Eventually the enormity of the secret will cause a meltdown and you will admit to wearing them. A friend will notice you are wearing a lot of tight fitting clothes of late and question where the tents have disappeared to. ‘OK..I’m wearing them’ you will snap.
- Weaning off Elastic: Wearing Spanx eventually leads to a lifelong addiction to elastic. The day may come when you decide to let it all hang out, and you won’t be prepared. An exit strategy should be considered. I understand that there are programs where you can be weaned off elastic, but none with any great success that I’m aware of.
“However, chances of reaching crucial moment greatly increased by wearing these scary stomach-holding in pants, loved by grannies all over the world” ..Helen Feilding. Bridget Jones Diary